things that got me cry in agony

I hear about this news on sunday, after attending the messian concert with moonlight.. they announced it on the radio, i was puzzled at first. islam? woman? what is this about?

moonlight told me, they just killed him.

i was like, what? who? got killed? why??

"for committing adultery. they found out that his fiancee is pregnant, before marriage. so they just stoned him to death." *tears start seeping from my eyes*

"what happened to the girl? is she ok?"

"they'll wait until she give birth then they gonna stoned her too" *i am burst in anger after hearing this, unbelievable*

that news, got me sat on the corner of my bed, crying. asking myself why there's so much cruelty in this world? why religion bring so much destruction? why there is verses in the holy book that justify this? WHY?

and all those people who claim that my heart is darkened by the western ideas and being atheist is wrong.. i would like to offer to them the same news and see how they feel about it.. most likely, i suspect.. they'll say: its not islam, its the followers, cruelty happen, accept it.

i lost words, i lost words to describe how i feel..

me vs my ancestor religion: islam

At this hour of assignment, i am procrastinating. reading national geographic article about islam in Indonesia. reading about the about-to-be-implemented stoning law in Aceh. it freak me out, really. my relationship with this religion is a complicated one. i was born into a moslem family. one that both devoted but liberal. one that teach the children to respect woman, one that emphasize the teaching "surga itu berada di telapak kaki ibu" (literally translated into) -heaven is at your mother's feet- (therefore you got to really respect her, 3 times more than your father). my parents put me into a religious school. got me to recite Qur'an after every night prayer (until i was 15, when i move out of the house). i was a devout moslem. i was a believer. i used to search for "answers" in prayers. until i figured out it was not the path for me. i make my choices in life, and when i was 19 i choose to turn around and walk towards different direction. by the time i am 21 i came out of the closet. i declare my atheism to the world, even to my parents. i expect them to disown me for that. but they didnt and our relationship has get so much better since then. (although they still disapprove) It was as if i declare i am gay. i receive many judgements and criticism. too many of them said i have been "westernized", some even convinced that i have convert into christianity. i used to spend hours trying to explain and dignified my choice, explaining its not other religion i fall into. its the freedom of not putting my believe into something that require obedience without questioning. a satisfaction without understanding. I hate to see how islam was being interpreted and implemented in Aceh. i got caught for not wearing headscarf some years back and that moment was aired in the morning news the next day. it was embarrassing, but it doesnt stop me from coming back (and still not wearing headscarf - whenever i can). hearing about how the Syariah law evolving in Aceh really freak me out. will they really going to implement all those ridiculous law? stoning for adultery, cutting hand for stealing, and the whipping, the whipping! maybe it's too late to try to make a difference. what would happen to Aceh in the next 10, 20 years? could it be the time when the extremist islam taking over and there will be no space for people like me? people who embrace the freedom of not believing in god and religion. people who embrace atheism. and for my moslem friend, your god must have told you in his book on how to react to this piece of though. "To you be your way, and to me mine (109:6)"

my family and my geographic ignorance

I was talking to my mom on the phone about her plan to come to sydney and canberra and to visit me in brisbane. it goes like this:

Mom: Okay then! so what we do is you come to canberra from brisbane and meet me and your dad in canberra and then we will go to sydney together!

Me: Mom, if we meet up in Canberra and then go to Sydney from Canberra it will be like, meeting in Bandung and then from there going to Jakarta while we both gonna land in Jakarta in the first place!

another case:

Mom: What about.. you come down to sydney and then we'll go to brisbane while your dad have meting in canberra? i wanna have a look around your university. there's not much traffic jam in australia, right? not like in Jakarta?

Me: Mom.. Brisbane - Sydney is like.. Jakarta - Bali, yeah we can do a one day tour but its not really a good idea, i think.

Mom: Ah! i thought its like Jakarta - Bogor, an hour drive away!

and a facebook chat with my brother

My brother: What are you doing?

Me: Listening to Umalali

My brother: Who's that?

Me: A singer. from Garifuna ethnic group

My brother: oooooo..

Me: You know?

My brother: No

Me: Garifuna is the ethnic group, they live in Central America. You know where is the Caribbean?

My brother: pirates of the caribbean? Yes i know

Me: where?

My brother: Vietnam?

Me: HAHAHAHAHA.

and an MSN conversation with a friend

My Friend: Heard you're going to continue your study in Australia?

Me: yep

My friend: Where? in Sydney? Melbourne?

Me: nope, Brisbane.

My Friend: Why Brisbane?

Me: Well... its in Queensland, where the Great Barrier Reef are.. sooo.. i suppose i can go there more often than if i am in Sydney, no? suppose to be the closest city to the GBR and its a good University.

* which apparently was a wrong assumption. when i finally google earth UQ and Brisbane, i was almost shock to find out that it was not on the coast! should probably go to Wollongong instead? or Waikato altogether *

another conversation with my sister, have nothing to do with geography

My sister: Does shark make any sound?

Me: I dunno. but i know whale and dolphin does

My sister: what about (she mentioned another animals, i cant remember which one but i do remember that i dont know the answer, until after several question she asked which i still cant answer, she asked..) turtle? does they make any sound?

Me: (start to get pissed off at my own stupidity) I dunno, did they have ears?

a tattoo

My dad always told me not to do something that is irreversible. that is, if i ever wished to change something from my past, its still possible. his definition of irreversible things is included: tattoo, piercing (even if u can remove it, its still gonna leave a mark anyway), and few other things that i dont really want to share here. 

so anyway, apart that. i had one piercing, on my belly button, and i love it, and i dont think i'll take it off anytime soon. and now i am thinking of getting a tattoo. i thought about this tattoo for about 3 years now, and i still havent get it done. for this one, i dont want to be impulsive, *like i normally did* i want to think about it properly and come up with a design that will stay on my skin forever. not something i pick form an album, i want a picture that is made for me, one picture that would reflect my personality and somewhat record my youngsters days, one picture that i'll never regret or wanted to remove.

anyone could give me any suggestion or helped me out on this?

that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

the last time i told that to myself was around 3 years ago. early 2006. yeah, around that time.

a moment in time, one of a turning point in my life. the best gift i ever give to myself. sigh. i looked back of "who" (or what?) am i today and think, how could i be so weak so stupid?

in the end, after all this year, i can talk about it, not without the bitterness, but at least i can admit my mistake and learn a lesson from it. but yeah, its a lesson that i learn the hard way: To love myself more than anything else.

that was the moment when i turn my back on my childhood god. that was the relationship that left a mark so deep i become afraid of commitment and i never stop doubting what love have to offer to me, that was the filter that allow me to see with incredible clarity, who is friend, who is acquaintances, and who is enemy.

and yeah, i am grateful i went through that difficult year. otherwise, i probably wont be as strong as i am today.


*it might be irrelevant to you, but really, i have to quote this sentence*
What does your conscience say? — "You shall become the person you are."

Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 1882

a cyber personality of three sisters

what i mean is me and my sisters.

lets face it, in this cyber space, we could 'design' our personality, we could filter the impression we want to reflect of ourselves, but we could also be brutally honest, something that perhaps we didnt do so often in the 'real' world.

my small observation today, from this table in the library *where i supposed to learn about the concept of new regionalism* is the way my sisters "reflecting" themselves in their cyber existence.

my second sister, wrote a substantial amount of "crazy thoughts", as well as her dreams and feeling for life, the spirit, the things she learn, things she went through (within the realm of reality and imagination).

my third sister, kept two separate blog, one which reflect her funny side, and the other one that reflect her serious side. one blog somewhat represent the embarrassing fact about her daily lives and her family (including me, of course), and the other blog represent the side of a 'mature' woman, looking upon moments in life, while at the same time the life of a university student in a 'student city' of Jogja..

and me, well.. if you happen to read this post, i would assume you've read other post as well, so i think you know better in judging my writing style and characteristic. and yeah, i am kinda honest in this cyberspace existence.. somewhat honest..

anyway, enough for now. i better start working again. ciao!

strangely enough, i miss jakarta..

you know what i missed?

my car. well, not my car per se, my parents car. one that i can drive around and un-worry. i am totally save, police wont touch me. HAHAHA.

the street food. there's no such things as hungry in the middle of the night and have to cook for myself. just take a walk outside the house and i can find all kind of street food. noodle, rice, seafood, satay, soto, roti bakar, bubur.. i dont need to rely on vending machine for my food supply at this hour of the night.

my bedroom. of course. my bed, the smell of spices. the rows and rows of books and magazine. the warm blanket. the pictures on the wall, my painting on the toilet. the family potrait above the mirrors, the BIG window. the carpet. the bathroom. hmmm..

i miss those random nights when we used to drive nowhere, get on the highway and see where we gonna ended up. suprise visit to bandung. planning an escape *that never happen*. hunting for pictures in the old town, or the mini studio in your room. your special vodka and orange. our attempt to cook *fail misserably*. ah, i miss those days. so irresponsible, so childish, so carefree.

Soap Opera

Drama.Drama.Drama.

ah, the little world i life in.

i think i played my part quite well.

that little irritating bitch,
your faithful lover,
is that very flirtatious sweetheart,
a free spirited, indifferent soul,
an arrogant display of your shyness,
a curious cat,
one warm hug, soothing words, passionate kisses..

oh love, dont come close. not now.

i am too devoted to myself to share this life with you.

please, dont bother.

free world to live in?

Go ahead, do whatever, dont limit yourself.
yeah, take off your shoes, run free with no worries.

you dont have to give everything to a man,
give what you want to give, and keep the rest for yourself.

be selfish, love yourself, love life,
allow nobody to take your freedom away.

go out, see the world!
feel it changes, breath the bitterness and drink the glory.

and dont forget to love,
never forget to love..
you'll get hurt, be angry, eaten by jealousy..
but it moves you, it keep you alive, and one day..
when you looked back..
perhaps you'll be grateful of what you went through..

i am.

fart vs burp

both could be bad, as well as good. its good for your health, but could be bad for people around you...

i was kinda amazed on how australian, or at least brisbanians (or brisbaners? or there's another name for brisbane people?) feel so free to fart on public.

case example:

i was sitting on the bench outside the public library using the internet, and there's two other people on the other side of the bench, using the internet too, and all of a sudden, the air around me smell very bad.. unmistakably, its a fart smell. ugh. and i look at them, and they were just laughing as if they didnt smell anything.. alright.. let it go.. not so long after, there's another guy come along with a computer, obviously planning to use the internet too.. he sad in the middle, between me and the couple.. and the smell, it come again.. this time, its not just me, this other guy obviously smell it too! because he looked around with this expression (which you can tell he must have smell something bad) first, he looked to the left, towards the couple, and they didnt seems to notice anything different, and then i realized he looked at ME! probably thinking that it was ME! but before i could give any him any expression that could explain something, he looked back to his computer, while pinching his nose. UGH!

another case example:

i was sitting at the coffee shop in campus, and enjoying the free coffee i got from doing the library tour, until suddenly, this girl, sitting in front of me, suddenly fart, really loud, but she, and the people around her, seems to not notice, or not giving any damn about it, and this things is kinda new to me. i mean, in Indonesia, if a someone (especially a girl) fart in public, somebody else would make a remark about it, regardless if its a positive or a negative remark, but somebody would have said something.

also another case example:

i was in the class, until *the same thing* suddenly i smell something bad.. and i thought, it must be fart, again. without a sound. i looked around, trying to find the guilty face, and i could find nobody! nobody putting a slightest sign of guilt! so i asked the oz girl who sat next to me if she smell something, and she was like.. yes, and just nod, no extra comment. UPS.

so i draw a conclusion that farting in public is something that is totally OK to do in Australia, or Brisbane at least. what about a burp? i never heard anybody burping on public, so i put myself on a case example, just to know, PLUS, sometime i cant control it, i burp involuntarily. It happens on the other day in Capoeira trial class, i was so thirsty so i drank my water, afterward, i cant help it, i burp, and straightaway i realized what i just did, and looked around, nobody seems to notice. this is good! hahaha.

also another time, when i walk to class, in the corridor i suddenly burp, prety loud, i must say, *but i apologize immediately afterward* and this guy, standing straight across from me, suddenly turn his head around and give me the "look", i mean, not that "look" but the look that probably say: did u just did that? burp? sort of look. i mean, i cant really explain it, but you know what i mean..

so now i wonder, is it OK to fart, but not all that OK to burp??

lost in.. orientation

this is one of the most stupid entry, i must say. it will describe how stupid i've been. sigh.

My university orientation start last monday, on the 23rd of february, and from the driver who picked me up in the airport *in the end i did find him and he get me to josh place safely* i got a little red book about the things i need to know once i arrived. So i read, there's a getting started session that was held every weekdays at 11am from January something to march something *i dont remember the dates* so i thought, alright, i'll go and see that on monday! nicely planned. So i got my accommodation sorted on the weekend and i am all good for uni on monday. I woke as early as i could (7 am, noted that) and figured which bus i should take and et cetera. at 10.45 am, i am in the Uni! super, i am sooooo on time! hahaha.. i am follow the sign that say INTERNATIONAL STUDENT ORIENTATION and arrived in a building, called UQ Centre, then i saw soooooo many people crowding the entrance.. i looked around and see a paper that say something like this:

Getting Started Session (compulsory)

For all new international student

UQ Center

14.00 - 15.00

*Jaw dropping expression* Started at two??!!! i should have sleep longer!! why the hell am i woken up at 7 this bloody morning? oh my goodness! but are these people doing here, if its start at 2pm? and why do everyone seems to know each other and they all carrying a blue bag with UQ logo on it? hmmmm... i should figure out.. but before i get to ask someone, i saw everyone walking into the exhibition hall, so i follow the crowd, get myself seated and say hi to a chinese-looking girl who sat next to me. hi, hello and everything, i figured out they're from malaysia and i figured out that the orientation for international student started at 8.30 this morning! what the hell.. why i didnt know this? apparently i need to always check my UQ email. ah, alright. Apparently there's a welcome session for International student where they explain whatever we need to know about the university. Afterwards, i follow the sign that say STUDENT CENTRE to pick up my student card, so i can get concession for the bus. I get in queue, wait for about an hour *its a looooong queue, believe me* until someone with a tag *I can help, ASK ME* come to me and ask, do you enrolled? i give her the bizarre look and ask her, didnt i need to talk with my academic adviser about the course that i need to take? and she told me: thats a very wise idea, but you need to enrolled in at least 1 course in my SI-net, whatever it is, and wait 24h for your student card to be ready, then you can meet your academic adviser, you can always change the course anytime during this week. So i was like.. hmmm.. alright.. so there's no point i wait in this line today. huh! wasting my 1h queuing in the bloody hot sun for nothing! FINEEEEE.. i get back tomorrow..

So i went around, looking for a place to sit so i can do the enrollment. i tried to log in to the internet, but i couldnt! it wont let me in! what is it now? so i went to the AskIT help desk, and the guy told me, no you cant use the internet unless you've enrolled. WTF?! how the hell am i gonna enrolled if i cant use the internet? while all the enrollment is done online? apparently i can open the UQ website to do the enrollment but cant open anything else, ok, so i complete my enrollment and and find my way back to the UQ Center, for the "Getting Started Session"

The getting started session was fun and all, the lady was very informative and throw jokes all around so it was ok.

checking the orientation guide from UQ, i figured out i have a welcoming session from faculty of NRAVS the next day. So the next day i went, and after the orientation we have morning coffee on which everyone was divided in a group, according to their program, i dont hear anyone calling out for Environmental Management, so i ask, apparently, staring from January THIS YEAR, environmental management is no longer with the faculty of NRAVS, its with the faculty of SCIENCE. hmm.. fine.. so i'll have my orientation tomorrow, but i stayed anyway and join the group for Integrated System and Natural Resources Management. Afterwards, we have the FREE BBQ *which i joined anyway* and there, i meet someone who asked me on what i am gonna do in uni, when i told him its Sustainable Development, he asked me if i have any engineering background, that question make me panic. not at all!! oh my goodness! i should really meet my academic advisor to get him explained this to me.

Third Day! its market day in UQ, so i attend another orientation *yey! should really understand my way around uni by this time* and after a long speeches and specific orientation session for environmental management student, i figured out i was at the wrong session, again. i was like.. nooooooooo!!! not anymore!!! aaarrgghh.. apparently it was for UNDERGRADUATE student of environmental management!! the one for postgraduate student will be held at 5pm!! at the school of geography.. ahhh.. fine fine FINE! at least i learn where i supposed to belong to, damn it. But well, in the end, the orientation for postgraduate student is where the most fun are! we mingled, chat, laugh, accompanied with free flow of wine and good finger food, it was nice.. good end for me.. although i kinda forget my way back a bit, and trying google map from campus.. and i figured out somehow.. and i am safely home! dozed off before 9pm.

done with

barefoot brisbane

So i take my time getting lost in the city and trying to figured my way back and all these times, i see things thats a bit unusual for me.. like.. i see lots of people walking around barefoot, the first sight was this girl in the airport, she was carrying a big backpack and walk barefoot around the airport, so i thought she lost her shoes or something, but then i saw similar sight in the sidewalk, in and around the city centre, and especially around the university. i saw the sign in QUT campus library about this things, i cant really remember how it sound, *i forget to take the picture of this sign, but i would, later* but i think its something like you have to wear a sandal to enter or no barefoot allowed or somethings, which i think was weird, because at first i thought, who would walk around barefoot? unless you're at home? I mean, In Malaysia, or Indonesia, you wouldn't find a single soul went barefoot to the mall, unless they're GILA *indonesian word for crazy* or something. And, i think, those people wont be allowed to go inside the shopping mall. And in USM *a uni in malaysia, where i went for my undergraduate*, let alone barefoot, you wont even allowed to enter the library and international office if you wear a pair of flip flops! I think this barefoot thingy is like a tie-die fashion in Jakarta, where lots of people (not everyone) were doing it, i mean, wearing it, well, whatever the adjectives are. I thought about taking picture of these people, especially when i saw a lady with her two boys pushing a baby cart walk barefooted in the train station, but i dont know how far manner goes on here, i dont really want to offend anyone with my camera. i was so curious about this so i ask my host, Josh, and he asked me "Why not? the streets are clean.." i put on the bizarre look then he explained to me that its just a way for people to express their freedom, by not wearing any footwear, and they might would like to not wear their clothes either, but it would be illegal, so as far as the law goes, going barefooted is still legal, sort of. I laugh on this explanation. well it make sense, probably the street in oz is clean enough so people could go barefoot and doesnt need to worry that they step on something nasty or sharp or even worse: get a worm infection. well, whatever that is, if these people would ever ask my opinion, i'd say just dont do it in Indonesia! or probably someone could give me another explanation?

Australia: a hell of a trip

My first ever trip to Australia, this is how it start..

I check in, get my 25 kg in and proceed to free fiscal section, figured out that i have to pay the fiscal because i just about start my "overseas student activity" - or so the officer said, and i am not a tax payer, so i got to pay the fiscal (around 250USD). geez, after looooong argument with the officer, finally the let me go and give me the free fiscal stamp.

Then i went outside to say goodbye, not long after i heard the calls for passenger departing to sydney, please board the aircraft immediately. My godness! run to the immigration, and got the guy asked me for my immigration card, i forget to get one, so i need to run back to the check in counter and fill up the form and run to the immigration again, from there run to gate D3, panting my breath, finally managed to get onboard. (btw, i have about 10 kg stick to my back).

Sat on the flight for 6 long hour and arrived in Sydney. Going through the customs, declare all my cigarette, wait for the custom guy to check my bag and let me go. walk outside, change some cash and get myself an australian sim card. ok, one thing at the time. i really feel like a cigarette, but i got to cleared my baggage for the next flight, so i went to domestic terminal to check in. It was a bit far out so there's a shuttle bus to take the passenger, and all this time, each time i need to pass the x-ray, i need to take out my laptop, put it in a tray, take off my jacket and belt and empty my pocket. then i sat there, waiting for the bus. I was trying to figured out how to register my new sim card so i can call my mother back home, suddenly the bus arrived and everyone rushing in and i felt a bit panic, i grab all my things and stuffed it in the bag, hop on the bus. was a bit distracted and thinking that i should take some pictures, so i dig on my back to get my camera out. suddenly the bus arrived and i quickly get my things and stuffed them in the bag and in the pocket of my jacket. get off and suddenly realized, where's my phone? couldnt find it in the bag, so i ran back to the bus and i could find it either! what am i supposed to do now? i have i another flight calling for boarding. AAArrrggggghhhh!!! so i logged the lost properties and run for my flight.. Once i arrived in brisbane, i figured out that one of my bag is still in Sydney. FUCK! what is it now? trying to find the driver who supposed to pick me up at the airport but didnt see him anywhere in sight, take out my cigarette and light one, and suddenly an airport official come over to me and point to the NON SMOKING sign. oh gosh, BUSTED. My godness, never once i traveled alone that i come across this much of a trouble..

but it wasnt all gloomy, when i am in desperation, i walk to the taxi ticket counter and turn out telling the security guy there about what happen to me, bla bla bla bla bla bla.. he decided to help me out, take out his phone and ring up someone at UQ pick up services, finally the lady on the other side of the phone told me, just wait at the baggage claim area, the driver will be there in a minute. Huff. one relief. then i meet the driver and apparently he's a really nice old man, very very funny. throwing jokes and laugh all the way to Herston Rd. then i meet Josh, my couchsurfing host and he also turn out to be a very nice guy, very resourceful, patiently answer all my question about the city and uni and stuff. From his place i walk down the road to the bus stop trying to hail one, NONE OF THEM STOP FOR ME.. and i am thinking, again? but suddenly a random guy asked me, "did u see a tall, blond, old, australian guy here a little while ago?" I was like: no, no at all, nobody here since 20 mins ago, i was even trying to hail a bus and none of them stop. he then leave to call someone, and back to me he asked, are you going to the city? i answered yes immediately, and he offer me a ride!!

Too much things happen to me today, the bad, and the good, but brisbane people, are almost definitely friendly. I am glad.

me stranded in the airport after 8 sticks of cigarette, lost my phone, lost my luggage, cant find the university driver who supposed to picked me up, hungry and still waiting..