little notes of thoughts

Political education is something I have never formally been exposed to, it has always been informal encounter and engagement and a topic I claim no expertise on. True, the broad theme of my PhD research revolve around politics, economy and ecology. Yet, in the process of learning, and attempting to comprehend the relationship between economic growth, political will and environmental degradations, one is forced to admit and accept how complicated and sensitive such issue is.

At this point in life I have spend great amount of focus, energy and attention to everything that is going on in my homeland in Aceh, a very place I felt incredible emotional attachment with, the place that I choose over a person that represent the love of my life. Odd, isn't it?

The thing is, this is the kind of love that is draining and consuming. My love for Aceh has continuously push me to the brink of insanity and exhaustion. Each news piece is another heart break; segregation between man and woman, injustice over religious freedom, environmental destructions, poverty and a politicians pushing back against progress. Its shameful, its painful, and for me, its emotional. Despite the efforts I gather to be indifference.

I wish I could see Aceh being led by someone with a vision, someone who genuinely love the place and fuelled by the desires to see the people transformed into a developed, dignified, resilient society. I want a leader with a vision.

Politics is something that still beyond my grasp, its still beyond my comprehension, the ability to link cause and effect in a very abstract, indirect manner; the ability to forecast people's reaction towards one's action; the ability to manipulate and play the unfair game. Yet, I do know that if there is a political will to push certain agenda into public policy domain, such agenda is bound to be realised. My questions then be.. how do we generate political will? is it through the creation of peaceful mass movement? like the history of ending racial segregation in the US? is it through economic incentives and market demand? like the development of reforestation policy in Costa Rica and Palm Oil boom in South East Asia?  is it through shifts in paradigm? in the same way slavery is no longer acceptable in modern world? but hang on a second, slavery is still happening, albeit taking different forms..

thinking thinking thinking..

The questions then breed another questions, and it open up a whole lot of a pandora box but at this point I am questioning myself, am I asking the right questions? should I be seeking more of a "why" questions and pound on the quest to understand instead of continuing with the "how" questions that will take me to technical answers that doesn't solve the problems?

open ended little notes of thoughts..

public announcement

dear friends, considering conditions I am about to describe below:

(a) my impending arrival at home correlated to (b) exponential increase of "items" some of you requested, under the circumstances of (c) minimal financial flexibility, (d) a degree of time constraint due to tight working schedule and (e) limited luggage allowance

I would like to announce that I wont be capable of sparing the thoughts of love towards all of you in a form of souvenir or foreign goods. However, I would be happy to share stories, experiences and knowledge with whoever interested in exchange.

I hope you would understand that this is not personal and no offense intended to those who happen to not receive little dutch gifts from me.

Your understanding are very much appreciated.

its not you, its me.

PhD shift

Back in the day, when scientific development are new and there's still so much to discover, people do research for the sake of knowledge.. Scientist board ships traveling to the unknown world risking so much to come home with new understanding of the world. Research that actually expand the world knowledge, research that actually move civilization forward.

People do research for many years and after contributing so much to science their work were valued, or appreciated with this title "Doctor of Philosophy" or whatever

these days people take PhD because its a paid job, because its fancy, because they want to travel and do whateverfuck and get paid for it, because they're unemployed and have no better idea on what to do with their life, or because it make them appear smart.

So many people who is doing PhD these days doesnt actually know what the fuck are they doing.

and that includes me.

no, actually that defined me.

disclaimer:

i am not trying to diminish the value of research or of other PhDs. i am just getting frustrated with the beginning of my self inflicted doom

day out with carel

winter sun is rising, it was 9 am yet the glow barely begun

as the sun continue to rise, the sunlight floods the landscape, giving it a nice warm color

towards mid day the little frost covering the plants start to melt then evaporate, parts of the plants facing east start to show its true color and parts facing west still stubbornly hold on to their icy cover

symbolic gesture

putting every single fabric in sight into the washing machine

mopping the floor over and over again

rearranging the furniture

as if I am doing the same with my life.

clean.repair.rebuild

maintenance

juggle it, clown.

It was one of those days

nearly mundane, hardly routine

after such productive week (and weekend)

pages of writing, hours of brainstorms and floods of inspiration

exhaustion kicked in

leave the bed when the skies barely turn lighter shades of blue and grey

come home after dark

staring at the mess in the room

piles of dirty (and clean) clothes I can't seems to tell the difference

uncooked dinner

cold air

huffftt..

tons of emails and text messages

indicating the tasks I am yet to get through

can I do this?

responsibilities, expectations

sigh

inhaling the warmth from a cup of tea

i want to feel home

i want to be capable to juggle this life

i want to cope with the responsibilities

and rise up to the expectations

i want to be in control, again

the thoughts of warm moist salty air of home

the friendly temperature of the ocean

the blue pounding waves

home.

and you.

and choices I have to make

and I juggle, like a clown

lego juggling clown image was taken from here

self-potrait

I signed up for 365 project

this self-imposed challenge will require me to take at least one photo each day for a year

its a training for commitment and consistency

yeah, commitment and consistency

exercising my photographic curiosity

creativity is like a muscle -- it can be built, strengthened and made flexible through use

-Jim Krause

check out my progress here

first publication

After one good year of writing, revising, editing, addressing reviewer comment, back on revising, yet another editing phase, topped with "oh what the fuck i dont care anymore" followed by "ok lets finish this bullshit" and all the rubbish that comes along with it. Finally, first publication.

The title sounds cocky, boring and inconclusive but its the world of academic, you know. Being in ivory tower, observe the shit down below and think "oh I am so smart I am gonna tell you what to do just check what I write, oh no sorry I am not involved I am unbiased academic YOU KNOW". --Yeah sorry I am being a jerk--

Anyway, now I added one-too-many to that enormous pile of paper published in scientific journal with chances only a handful of people would read - hopefully will got as far as the abstract.

Nevertheless, I think its an achievement on its own right. Regardless of how superficial or useless it is. Acknowledging its a small journals, not Nature or Science but Annals of Tropical Research (did you say anal?). Ah well. Good journals, bad journals. I published one!

THATS WHATS UP YO!

aforementioned article downloadable here

disclaimer:

irrelevant picture belong to a friend. I just have to upload it together, although that one writing have another story altogether.

a title too heavy to wear

Yesterday on the train to uni I asked my supervisor: "If everything goes according to plan, what sorts of timeline am I looking at? When do I actually start?"

He answer: "You are a PhD candidate now. What you are doing now already part of the process"

sigh.

a PhD candidate

I let the thought sinks in a little bit

few years ago I wouldnt dreamed of this, I could easily recall the struggle just to finish my bachelor degree. I could easily recall the doubt if I would ever make it. I could easily recall the mockery comes my way when I tell people about my dreams.

Who cares? I am here now. Ticking things I want to achieve, one by one.

There was this quote I read the other day

"Imagine your childhood self, would she be ashamed of you today or would she be proud?"

I think she would be proud

I dont regret the decision I made in my life so far,

all the decision that has take me to all sorts of places, literally, figuratively. In real dimension or imaginary world, all the places within the world map or within my subconscious realm. maybe my childhood self wouldnt be so proud of my-few-years-ago-self, but I think my childhood self would understand that I need to experience that darkness and find my way out of that gloomy vortex of.. of.. of.. sigh.. enough

my thoughts drifted.. away..

This title, this PhD candidate at times appear a little heavy to wear.

with such titles there is a degree of expectations, there is a degree of wisdom and knowledge one is expected to deliver. It is strange to wear such thing, yet unable to rise to the expectation.

I learn, that in social interaction it is so often not the title of the person that define the intelligence, or the wisdom. Its the words that choose to interact with you, its the behavior they portrayed towards you, and people.

incoherent rumble derived from incomprehensible thoughts..

I come from a place where titles are still idolized, over idealized. The idea of wearing certain title to boost social status is still in the mind of most people. If someone is educated (reflected by the title they are wearing) therefore that person would have higher social status. This framework at times could appear logical (surely higher education and university title reflect someone capability to grasp certain information, process it and re-present it in coherent manner as well as producing original idea that could move society, civilization, forward. NO?) but in other times serve as utter nonsense to represent someone's intellectual capability (oh, if someone doesnt have a degree it means s/he is less capable in leading or performing less good in social and professional construct compared with someone with a degree <-- rubbish)

When I see a wedding invitation which doesnt only bear the names of the brides and groom, but also their titles, I bear this level of repugnance towards society. Was it craving for approval from two thousand guest you hardly care about or was it the social pressure to show off that you have been able to obtain a fuckin degree?

Not that I think a education title is not something one should not be proud of. I think one still should be proud of it, its an achievement on its own right. Earning a degree is not all so easy, one is required to perform to a certain level until one can wear an education title.

but its not everything.

Education is a lifelong journey. It doesnt stop at BSc, BA, Msc, MA or PhD.

It doesnt stop at the letters Dr, Assoc. Prof, or Prof. in front of your names.

Wisdom is not the monopoly of those who wear those titles.

Intelligence is not by default owned by people wearing those titles.

it is not.

not.

no.

winter walk

Typical European building; old and narrow - Leiden

Typical dutch winter landscape - Leiden

The Kanaal and bridges in Lombok, the neighborhood where I currently live - Utrecht

take me home

take me home

to his bedside

take me home

to his heart

take me home,

my darling

for I am tired of wondering

please you take me home

and we shall unfold history

take me home baby

as your finger traces those fine hairs on my face,

we shall unweave the rainbow

take me home sweetheart,

bring me back to you

Remember

Remember me when i am gone away

Gone away to a memory land

When you can no more hold me by the hand

Nor I half turn to get yet turning stay

Remember me when no more day by day

You tell me of our future that you planned

Only remember me, please try to understand

It will be late then to counsel then or pray

Yet if you should forget me for a while

And after the words remember do not grieve

For if the darkness and so my love leave

A vestige of the thought that i once had

Better by far you forget me and smile

Than that you should REMEMBER and be sad

re-entry taken from circa high school

it was on the wall of the english class

I dont like feeling jealous. Almost as much as I dont like feeling trapped. I avoid feeling jealous as much as I can, sometimes avoiding relationship altogether.

I find myself feeling jealous today.

I dont like this. really.

I dont like not-knowing whats going on. I dont like guessing whats happening. I dont like this tingle in my chest. When I feel jealous I physically felt it. Its painful. Its heavy. Its something I cant conquer.

Sigh. I dont even know how to explain my feeling and my thoughts. I am not too happy about this.

This is YOUR LIFE

Trouble in Paradise: The Sumatran Sea Turtle Saga

Once upon a time, sea turtles thrive in our ocean

They nested and breed in tropical islands spread across the equators

They're old, they're ancient, they are the great A'Tuin, the Master Sifu, the wise teacher.

Naturally they are always facing struggle and hardship from the moment they hatch until the last breath they exhaled

Yet they managed to survived.

Sadly, the are now facing unprecedented threat from us, human

We hammer their habitats,

We feast on their eggs

We hunted them for their meat and for souvenirs

We have been heartless, ruthless predators

We always take more than we need

treesome (not threesome)

I love trees, I love drawing and painting trees, coconut trees, ficus trees, ambiguous shape abstractly defines as trees. Trees, trees, trees. Forest. Rich diversity of old, majestic trees. Home to amazing arrays of so many living creatures; shrubs, tree dwellers, mighty flying creature who rested, nested and devour the fruits of these massive old trees, elusive cats roaming the ground underneath these trees. I love trees, I love forest. The lush, old standing forest. So old, trees so big you need more than ten grown man holding their hands to hug the tree. Living trees, dead trees, decaying trees. Trees with roots systems so strong and complex, waved and twisted into network of support, holding the soil together when rush of water force it to crumble. Trees continue to provide as it age, still providing as it meets its dying days, when it fell and lay on the forest floor. It become home for little critters and insects and moist fungi. Gets recycled back into the system, giving rooms for new plants to grow under the sudden flood of sunlight.

that tree grow above my bed, sheltering me from hardship in life

Its raining outside..

Perhaps it was this day, 3 years back.

I was in a hospital in Singapore, standing by your bed. It was raining like this, the sky was plain grey. Not a patch of blue in sight. It was raining the whole day.

We both stare outside the glass windows of the ICU, I occasionally check the numbers on the screen, being very worried. Its a machine I dont know the name, but I know tells me how bad your lungs depends on this pumps and this technology. At this moment it tells me only 20% of your lungs functioning. You look so skinny and fragile yet you are still so young and so beautiful. It breaks my heart to learn that you wont be by my side for too long.

It was a self-deception, it was my delusion, hoping you would survive this. Hoping you would get back on your feet and we could run around on the rain again.

You look back at me, and you faintly smile. You write on the small white-board on your lap "Its raining, I like" I remember that faint smile well, for I dont get too see it enough since then. Yes, we used to love rain, rainy days means running around outside being completely soak and throughly happy. We sing, we dance, we laugh, we dont care what the world think. We are the world.

It wasnt too long ago, when the three of us dressed up and hit the club. Only with little money we had. We drink it all.

It wasnt too long ago, when we have no money at all and we spend the day at home playing uno. When we dig into our sofa and scratch for whatever coins we have, to buy a pack of cigarettes and stay hungry for the rest of the day.

It wasnt too long ago, when we claim we are the most beautiful people. We will take over the world one day. When we are rich, famous and fabulous.

It wasnt too long ago, when you tested the guy I was dating. Well baby, let me give you a small update. That man, he was the right man for me. I was just too young and too naive to realize it then. You know how things fall apart between me and that man, and I fall into the vortex of keep seeing the wrong guy ever since. To keep getting hurt and to get back on my feet again. To lost faith in love and regaining it, and loosing it again. I went through it all baby. What you missed was, we are back together now. He was the same man he was back then, and he always managed to comfort me everytime it rains and I start thinking of you. He understand.

Darjeling, you are in my thought. Between the three of us, YOU are the butterfly. The way you carry yourself, the way you always stand out, the way you deal with all the attention you get.

When it rains like this, I recall that moment in the hospital. You cant even talk for all those hoses that runs through your mouth throat into your lungs. For all those machine that keeps you with us a little longer. Just a little bit more. This small hopes we have of seeing you surviving this, this miniscule chance you would actually walk out of this hospital alive had made me drop everything to be by your side. I recall it was Ramadhan, and you were embracing your brand new faith, you were embracing your new religion, you asked me to read you passage from the Quran!

None of us ever thought we would arrive here. at this day, at this moment. None of us prepared for the possibility that one of us would leave this world so young. None of us thought we would watch as your life ticks away from you.

I miss you honey. I miss you dearly. I Remember our promises about the day when we are rich and famous. Baby I am not rich nor famous, but I am no longer broke! I would be able to support you now, I would be able to help you out! I would be able to.. but you're not here anymore, nothing I can do, NOTHING baby other than painting a corner in my thought with your picture, with our memories.

Run free Bakla, no more beaten from your loved ones, no more addictive drugs he used to keep you by his side, no more days of selling your soul to the devil so the three of us could buy something to eat. Those days are gone baby, far gone. What was left is the beautiful memories, woven into the path I am taking, lessons I share with others that I love too. I love you baby, I always do. You know when I look at the stars, I imagine you were one of them.

They say every atom on our bodies was once part of a stars, I know you are not leaving, you're just coming home.

I fell lost in thought, its an unfamiliar territory

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness.

It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides.

And when it subsides, you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness,

it is not excitement,

it is not the desire to mate every

second of the day.

It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body.

No... don't blush.

I am telling you some truths.

For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over,

when being in love has burned away.

Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!

fear of love

I am scared yet hopeful

the notion of being in love is something so beautiful, yet frightening

giving in, surrender to the possibility of getting hurt

while holding my breath and claim confidence

its gonna be ok

you gonna be ok

I have found a man so wonderful

someone who compliment me so well

together we are like enzyme and its substrate

everything seems so perfect and i feel at peace when i am by his side

but

i am deeply terrified to move forward

yet i want it so bad

succulent wild woman

suc·cu·lent

[suhk-yuh-luhnt]

–adjective

1.

full of juice; juicy.

2.

rich in desirable qualities.

3.

affording mental nourishment.