that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

the last time i told that to myself was around 3 years ago. early 2006. yeah, around that time.

a moment in time, one of a turning point in my life. the best gift i ever give to myself. sigh. i looked back of "who" (or what?) am i today and think, how could i be so weak so stupid?

in the end, after all this year, i can talk about it, not without the bitterness, but at least i can admit my mistake and learn a lesson from it. but yeah, its a lesson that i learn the hard way: To love myself more than anything else.

that was the moment when i turn my back on my childhood god. that was the relationship that left a mark so deep i become afraid of commitment and i never stop doubting what love have to offer to me, that was the filter that allow me to see with incredible clarity, who is friend, who is acquaintances, and who is enemy.

and yeah, i am grateful i went through that difficult year. otherwise, i probably wont be as strong as i am today.


*it might be irrelevant to you, but really, i have to quote this sentence*
What does your conscience say? — "You shall become the person you are."

Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 1882

a cyber personality of three sisters

what i mean is me and my sisters.

lets face it, in this cyber space, we could 'design' our personality, we could filter the impression we want to reflect of ourselves, but we could also be brutally honest, something that perhaps we didnt do so often in the 'real' world.

my small observation today, from this table in the library *where i supposed to learn about the concept of new regionalism* is the way my sisters "reflecting" themselves in their cyber existence.

my second sister, wrote a substantial amount of "crazy thoughts", as well as her dreams and feeling for life, the spirit, the things she learn, things she went through (within the realm of reality and imagination).

my third sister, kept two separate blog, one which reflect her funny side, and the other one that reflect her serious side. one blog somewhat represent the embarrassing fact about her daily lives and her family (including me, of course), and the other blog represent the side of a 'mature' woman, looking upon moments in life, while at the same time the life of a university student in a 'student city' of Jogja..

and me, well.. if you happen to read this post, i would assume you've read other post as well, so i think you know better in judging my writing style and characteristic. and yeah, i am kinda honest in this cyberspace existence.. somewhat honest..

anyway, enough for now. i better start working again. ciao!

strangely enough, i miss jakarta..

you know what i missed?

my car. well, not my car per se, my parents car. one that i can drive around and un-worry. i am totally save, police wont touch me. HAHAHA.

the street food. there's no such things as hungry in the middle of the night and have to cook for myself. just take a walk outside the house and i can find all kind of street food. noodle, rice, seafood, satay, soto, roti bakar, bubur.. i dont need to rely on vending machine for my food supply at this hour of the night.

my bedroom. of course. my bed, the smell of spices. the rows and rows of books and magazine. the warm blanket. the pictures on the wall, my painting on the toilet. the family potrait above the mirrors, the BIG window. the carpet. the bathroom. hmmm..

i miss those random nights when we used to drive nowhere, get on the highway and see where we gonna ended up. suprise visit to bandung. planning an escape *that never happen*. hunting for pictures in the old town, or the mini studio in your room. your special vodka and orange. our attempt to cook *fail misserably*. ah, i miss those days. so irresponsible, so childish, so carefree.

Soap Opera

Drama.Drama.Drama.

ah, the little world i life in.

i think i played my part quite well.

that little irritating bitch,
your faithful lover,
is that very flirtatious sweetheart,
a free spirited, indifferent soul,
an arrogant display of your shyness,
a curious cat,
one warm hug, soothing words, passionate kisses..

oh love, dont come close. not now.

i am too devoted to myself to share this life with you.

please, dont bother.

free world to live in?

Go ahead, do whatever, dont limit yourself.
yeah, take off your shoes, run free with no worries.

you dont have to give everything to a man,
give what you want to give, and keep the rest for yourself.

be selfish, love yourself, love life,
allow nobody to take your freedom away.

go out, see the world!
feel it changes, breath the bitterness and drink the glory.

and dont forget to love,
never forget to love..
you'll get hurt, be angry, eaten by jealousy..
but it moves you, it keep you alive, and one day..
when you looked back..
perhaps you'll be grateful of what you went through..

i am.

fart vs burp

both could be bad, as well as good. its good for your health, but could be bad for people around you...

i was kinda amazed on how australian, or at least brisbanians (or brisbaners? or there's another name for brisbane people?) feel so free to fart on public.

case example:

i was sitting on the bench outside the public library using the internet, and there's two other people on the other side of the bench, using the internet too, and all of a sudden, the air around me smell very bad.. unmistakably, its a fart smell. ugh. and i look at them, and they were just laughing as if they didnt smell anything.. alright.. let it go.. not so long after, there's another guy come along with a computer, obviously planning to use the internet too.. he sad in the middle, between me and the couple.. and the smell, it come again.. this time, its not just me, this other guy obviously smell it too! because he looked around with this expression (which you can tell he must have smell something bad) first, he looked to the left, towards the couple, and they didnt seems to notice anything different, and then i realized he looked at ME! probably thinking that it was ME! but before i could give any him any expression that could explain something, he looked back to his computer, while pinching his nose. UGH!

another case example:

i was sitting at the coffee shop in campus, and enjoying the free coffee i got from doing the library tour, until suddenly, this girl, sitting in front of me, suddenly fart, really loud, but she, and the people around her, seems to not notice, or not giving any damn about it, and this things is kinda new to me. i mean, in Indonesia, if a someone (especially a girl) fart in public, somebody else would make a remark about it, regardless if its a positive or a negative remark, but somebody would have said something.

also another case example:

i was in the class, until *the same thing* suddenly i smell something bad.. and i thought, it must be fart, again. without a sound. i looked around, trying to find the guilty face, and i could find nobody! nobody putting a slightest sign of guilt! so i asked the oz girl who sat next to me if she smell something, and she was like.. yes, and just nod, no extra comment. UPS.

so i draw a conclusion that farting in public is something that is totally OK to do in Australia, or Brisbane at least. what about a burp? i never heard anybody burping on public, so i put myself on a case example, just to know, PLUS, sometime i cant control it, i burp involuntarily. It happens on the other day in Capoeira trial class, i was so thirsty so i drank my water, afterward, i cant help it, i burp, and straightaway i realized what i just did, and looked around, nobody seems to notice. this is good! hahaha.

also another time, when i walk to class, in the corridor i suddenly burp, prety loud, i must say, *but i apologize immediately afterward* and this guy, standing straight across from me, suddenly turn his head around and give me the "look", i mean, not that "look" but the look that probably say: did u just did that? burp? sort of look. i mean, i cant really explain it, but you know what i mean..

so now i wonder, is it OK to fart, but not all that OK to burp??

lost in.. orientation

this is one of the most stupid entry, i must say. it will describe how stupid i've been. sigh.

My university orientation start last monday, on the 23rd of february, and from the driver who picked me up in the airport *in the end i did find him and he get me to josh place safely* i got a little red book about the things i need to know once i arrived. So i read, there's a getting started session that was held every weekdays at 11am from January something to march something *i dont remember the dates* so i thought, alright, i'll go and see that on monday! nicely planned. So i got my accommodation sorted on the weekend and i am all good for uni on monday. I woke as early as i could (7 am, noted that) and figured which bus i should take and et cetera. at 10.45 am, i am in the Uni! super, i am sooooo on time! hahaha.. i am follow the sign that say INTERNATIONAL STUDENT ORIENTATION and arrived in a building, called UQ Centre, then i saw soooooo many people crowding the entrance.. i looked around and see a paper that say something like this:

Getting Started Session (compulsory)

For all new international student

UQ Center

14.00 - 15.00

*Jaw dropping expression* Started at two??!!! i should have sleep longer!! why the hell am i woken up at 7 this bloody morning? oh my goodness! but are these people doing here, if its start at 2pm? and why do everyone seems to know each other and they all carrying a blue bag with UQ logo on it? hmmmm... i should figure out.. but before i get to ask someone, i saw everyone walking into the exhibition hall, so i follow the crowd, get myself seated and say hi to a chinese-looking girl who sat next to me. hi, hello and everything, i figured out they're from malaysia and i figured out that the orientation for international student started at 8.30 this morning! what the hell.. why i didnt know this? apparently i need to always check my UQ email. ah, alright. Apparently there's a welcome session for International student where they explain whatever we need to know about the university. Afterwards, i follow the sign that say STUDENT CENTRE to pick up my student card, so i can get concession for the bus. I get in queue, wait for about an hour *its a looooong queue, believe me* until someone with a tag *I can help, ASK ME* come to me and ask, do you enrolled? i give her the bizarre look and ask her, didnt i need to talk with my academic adviser about the course that i need to take? and she told me: thats a very wise idea, but you need to enrolled in at least 1 course in my SI-net, whatever it is, and wait 24h for your student card to be ready, then you can meet your academic adviser, you can always change the course anytime during this week. So i was like.. hmmm.. alright.. so there's no point i wait in this line today. huh! wasting my 1h queuing in the bloody hot sun for nothing! FINEEEEE.. i get back tomorrow..

So i went around, looking for a place to sit so i can do the enrollment. i tried to log in to the internet, but i couldnt! it wont let me in! what is it now? so i went to the AskIT help desk, and the guy told me, no you cant use the internet unless you've enrolled. WTF?! how the hell am i gonna enrolled if i cant use the internet? while all the enrollment is done online? apparently i can open the UQ website to do the enrollment but cant open anything else, ok, so i complete my enrollment and and find my way back to the UQ Center, for the "Getting Started Session"

The getting started session was fun and all, the lady was very informative and throw jokes all around so it was ok.

checking the orientation guide from UQ, i figured out i have a welcoming session from faculty of NRAVS the next day. So the next day i went, and after the orientation we have morning coffee on which everyone was divided in a group, according to their program, i dont hear anyone calling out for Environmental Management, so i ask, apparently, staring from January THIS YEAR, environmental management is no longer with the faculty of NRAVS, its with the faculty of SCIENCE. hmm.. fine.. so i'll have my orientation tomorrow, but i stayed anyway and join the group for Integrated System and Natural Resources Management. Afterwards, we have the FREE BBQ *which i joined anyway* and there, i meet someone who asked me on what i am gonna do in uni, when i told him its Sustainable Development, he asked me if i have any engineering background, that question make me panic. not at all!! oh my goodness! i should really meet my academic advisor to get him explained this to me.

Third Day! its market day in UQ, so i attend another orientation *yey! should really understand my way around uni by this time* and after a long speeches and specific orientation session for environmental management student, i figured out i was at the wrong session, again. i was like.. nooooooooo!!! not anymore!!! aaarrgghh.. apparently it was for UNDERGRADUATE student of environmental management!! the one for postgraduate student will be held at 5pm!! at the school of geography.. ahhh.. fine fine FINE! at least i learn where i supposed to belong to, damn it. But well, in the end, the orientation for postgraduate student is where the most fun are! we mingled, chat, laugh, accompanied with free flow of wine and good finger food, it was nice.. good end for me.. although i kinda forget my way back a bit, and trying google map from campus.. and i figured out somehow.. and i am safely home! dozed off before 9pm.

done with