that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

the last time i told that to myself was around 3 years ago. early 2006. yeah, around that time.

a moment in time, one of a turning point in my life. the best gift i ever give to myself. sigh. i looked back of "who" (or what?) am i today and think, how could i be so weak so stupid?

in the end, after all this year, i can talk about it, not without the bitterness, but at least i can admit my mistake and learn a lesson from it. but yeah, its a lesson that i learn the hard way: To love myself more than anything else.

that was the moment when i turn my back on my childhood god. that was the relationship that left a mark so deep i become afraid of commitment and i never stop doubting what love have to offer to me, that was the filter that allow me to see with incredible clarity, who is friend, who is acquaintances, and who is enemy.

and yeah, i am grateful i went through that difficult year. otherwise, i probably wont be as strong as i am today.


*it might be irrelevant to you, but really, i have to quote this sentence*
What does your conscience say? — "You shall become the person you are."

Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 1882

a cyber personality of three sisters

what i mean is me and my sisters.

lets face it, in this cyber space, we could 'design' our personality, we could filter the impression we want to reflect of ourselves, but we could also be brutally honest, something that perhaps we didnt do so often in the 'real' world.

my small observation today, from this table in the library *where i supposed to learn about the concept of new regionalism* is the way my sisters "reflecting" themselves in their cyber existence.

my second sister, wrote a substantial amount of "crazy thoughts", as well as her dreams and feeling for life, the spirit, the things she learn, things she went through (within the realm of reality and imagination).

my third sister, kept two separate blog, one which reflect her funny side, and the other one that reflect her serious side. one blog somewhat represent the embarrassing fact about her daily lives and her family (including me, of course), and the other blog represent the side of a 'mature' woman, looking upon moments in life, while at the same time the life of a university student in a 'student city' of Jogja..

and me, well.. if you happen to read this post, i would assume you've read other post as well, so i think you know better in judging my writing style and characteristic. and yeah, i am kinda honest in this cyberspace existence.. somewhat honest..

anyway, enough for now. i better start working again. ciao!

strangely enough, i miss jakarta..

you know what i missed?

my car. well, not my car per se, my parents car. one that i can drive around and un-worry. i am totally save, police wont touch me. HAHAHA.

the street food. there's no such things as hungry in the middle of the night and have to cook for myself. just take a walk outside the house and i can find all kind of street food. noodle, rice, seafood, satay, soto, roti bakar, bubur.. i dont need to rely on vending machine for my food supply at this hour of the night.

my bedroom. of course. my bed, the smell of spices. the rows and rows of books and magazine. the warm blanket. the pictures on the wall, my painting on the toilet. the family potrait above the mirrors, the BIG window. the carpet. the bathroom. hmmm..

i miss those random nights when we used to drive nowhere, get on the highway and see where we gonna ended up. suprise visit to bandung. planning an escape *that never happen*. hunting for pictures in the old town, or the mini studio in your room. your special vodka and orange. our attempt to cook *fail misserably*. ah, i miss those days. so irresponsible, so childish, so carefree.

Soap Opera

Drama.Drama.Drama.

ah, the little world i life in.

i think i played my part quite well.

that little irritating bitch,
your faithful lover,
is that very flirtatious sweetheart,
a free spirited, indifferent soul,
an arrogant display of your shyness,
a curious cat,
one warm hug, soothing words, passionate kisses..

oh love, dont come close. not now.

i am too devoted to myself to share this life with you.

please, dont bother.

free world to live in?

Go ahead, do whatever, dont limit yourself.
yeah, take off your shoes, run free with no worries.

you dont have to give everything to a man,
give what you want to give, and keep the rest for yourself.

be selfish, love yourself, love life,
allow nobody to take your freedom away.

go out, see the world!
feel it changes, breath the bitterness and drink the glory.

and dont forget to love,
never forget to love..
you'll get hurt, be angry, eaten by jealousy..
but it moves you, it keep you alive, and one day..
when you looked back..
perhaps you'll be grateful of what you went through..

i am.