well that was the initial plan, but apparently this become a scattered space of my inconsistent ramble and incoherent mumble. I write my heart out, I throw my anger and frustation, I jotted my hopes and dreams, I record my random thoughts here

May 8, 2015

little notes of thoughts

Political education is something I have never formally been exposed to, it has always been informal encounter and engagement and a topic I claim no expertise on. True, the broad theme of my PhD research revolve around politics, economy and ecology. Yet, in the process of learning, and attempting to comprehend the relationship between economic growth, political will and environmental degradations, one is forced to admit and accept how complicated and sensitive such issue is.

At this point in life I have spend great amount of focus, energy and attention to everything that is going on in my homeland in Aceh, a very place I felt incredible emotional attachment with, the place that I choose over a person that represent the love of my life. Odd, isn't it?

The thing is, this is the kind of love that is draining and consuming. My love for Aceh has continuously push me to the brink of insanity and exhaustion. Each news piece is another heart break; segregation between man and woman, injustice over religious freedom, environmental destructions, poverty and a politicians pushing back against progress. Its shameful, its painful, and for me, its emotional. Despite the efforts I gather to be indifference.

I wish I could see Aceh being led by someone with a vision, someone who genuinely love the place and fuelled by the desires to see the people transformed into a developed, dignified, resilient society. I want a leader with a vision.

Politics is something that still beyond my grasp, its still beyond my comprehension, the ability to link cause and effect in a very abstract, indirect manner; the ability to forecast people's reaction towards one's action; the ability to manipulate and play the unfair game. Yet, I do know that if there is a political will to push certain agenda into public policy domain, such agenda is bound to be realised. My questions then be.. how do we generate political will? is it through the creation of peaceful mass movement? like the history of ending racial segregation in the US? is it through economic incentives and market demand? like the development of reforestation policy in Costa Rica and Palm Oil boom in South East Asia?  is it through shifts in paradigm? in the same way slavery is no longer acceptable in modern world? but hang on a second, slavery is still happening, albeit taking different forms..

thinking thinking thinking..

The questions then breed another questions, and it open up a whole lot of a pandora box but at this point I am questioning myself, am I asking the right questions? should I be seeking more of a "why" questions and pound on the quest to understand instead of continuing with the "how" questions that will take me to technical answers that doesn't solve the problems?

open ended little notes of thoughts..

February 14, 2012

public announcement

dear friends, considering conditions I am about to describe below:
(a) my impending arrival at home correlated to (b) exponential increase of "items" some of you requested, under the circumstances of (c) minimal financial flexibility, (d) a degree of time constraint due to tight working schedule and (e) limited luggage allowance
I would like to announce that I wont be capable of sparing the thoughts of love towards all of you in a form of souvenir or foreign goods. However, I would be happy to share stories, experiences and knowledge with whoever interested in exchange.

I hope you would understand that this is not personal and no offense intended to those who happen to not receive little dutch gifts from me.
Your understanding are very much appreciated.

its not you, its me.

February 10, 2012

PhD shift

Back in the day, when scientific development are new and there's still so much to discover, people do research for the sake of knowledge.. Scientist board ships traveling to the unknown world risking so much to come home with new understanding of the world. Research that actually expand the world knowledge, research that actually move civilization forward.
People do research for many years and after contributing so much to science their work were valued, or appreciated with this title "Doctor of Philosophy" or whatever
these days people take PhD because its a paid job, because its fancy, because they want to travel and do whateverfuck and get paid for it, because they're unemployed and have no better idea on what to do with their life, or because it make them appear smart.
So many people who is doing PhD these days doesnt actually know what the fuck are they doing.
and that includes me.

no, actually that defined me.

i am not trying to diminish the value of research or of other PhDs. i am just getting frustrated with the beginning of my self inflicted doom

January 25, 2012

day out with carel

winter sun is rising, it was 9 am yet the glow barely begun

as the sun continue to rise, the sunlight floods the landscape, giving it a nice warm color

towards mid day the little frost covering the plants start to melt then evaporate, parts of the plants facing east start to show its true color and parts facing west still stubbornly hold on to their icy cover

January 18, 2012

symbolic gesture

putting every single fabric in sight into the washing machine
mopping the floor over and over again
rearranging the furniture

as if I am doing the same with my life.


January 10, 2012

juggle it, clown.

It was one of those days
nearly mundane, hardly routine
after such productive week (and weekend)
pages of writing, hours of brainstorms and floods of inspiration
exhaustion kicked in

leave the bed when the skies barely turn lighter shades of blue and grey
come home after dark
staring at the mess in the room
piles of dirty (and clean) clothes I can't seems to tell the difference
uncooked dinner
cold air
tons of emails and text messages
indicating the tasks I am yet to get through
can I do this?
responsibilities, expectations

inhaling the warmth from a cup of tea
i want to feel home
i want to be capable to juggle this life
i want to cope with the responsibilities
and rise up to the expectations
i want to be in control, again

the thoughts of warm moist salty air of home
the friendly temperature of the ocean
the blue pounding waves

and you.

and choices I have to make
and I juggle, like a clown

lego juggling clown image was taken from here

January 3, 2012


I signed up for 365 project
this self-imposed challenge will require me to take at least one photo each day for a year
its a training for commitment and consistency
yeah, commitment and consistency
exercising my photographic curiosity

creativity is like a muscle -- it can be built, strengthened and made flexible through use
-Jim Krause

check out my progress here