things that got me cry in agony

I hear about this news on sunday, after attending the messian concert with moonlight.. they announced it on the radio, i was puzzled at first. islam? woman? what is this about?

moonlight told me, they just killed him.

i was like, what? who? got killed? why??

"for committing adultery. they found out that his fiancee is pregnant, before marriage. so they just stoned him to death." *tears start seeping from my eyes*

"what happened to the girl? is she ok?"

"they'll wait until she give birth then they gonna stoned her too" *i am burst in anger after hearing this, unbelievable*

that news, got me sat on the corner of my bed, crying. asking myself why there's so much cruelty in this world? why religion bring so much destruction? why there is verses in the holy book that justify this? WHY?

and all those people who claim that my heart is darkened by the western ideas and being atheist is wrong.. i would like to offer to them the same news and see how they feel about it.. most likely, i suspect.. they'll say: its not islam, its the followers, cruelty happen, accept it.

i lost words, i lost words to describe how i feel..

me vs my ancestor religion: islam

At this hour of assignment, i am procrastinating. reading national geographic article about islam in Indonesia. reading about the about-to-be-implemented stoning law in Aceh. it freak me out, really. my relationship with this religion is a complicated one. i was born into a moslem family. one that both devoted but liberal. one that teach the children to respect woman, one that emphasize the teaching "surga itu berada di telapak kaki ibu" (literally translated into) -heaven is at your mother's feet- (therefore you got to really respect her, 3 times more than your father). my parents put me into a religious school. got me to recite Qur'an after every night prayer (until i was 15, when i move out of the house). i was a devout moslem. i was a believer. i used to search for "answers" in prayers. until i figured out it was not the path for me. i make my choices in life, and when i was 19 i choose to turn around and walk towards different direction. by the time i am 21 i came out of the closet. i declare my atheism to the world, even to my parents. i expect them to disown me for that. but they didnt and our relationship has get so much better since then. (although they still disapprove) It was as if i declare i am gay. i receive many judgements and criticism. too many of them said i have been "westernized", some even convinced that i have convert into christianity. i used to spend hours trying to explain and dignified my choice, explaining its not other religion i fall into. its the freedom of not putting my believe into something that require obedience without questioning. a satisfaction without understanding. I hate to see how islam was being interpreted and implemented in Aceh. i got caught for not wearing headscarf some years back and that moment was aired in the morning news the next day. it was embarrassing, but it doesnt stop me from coming back (and still not wearing headscarf - whenever i can). hearing about how the Syariah law evolving in Aceh really freak me out. will they really going to implement all those ridiculous law? stoning for adultery, cutting hand for stealing, and the whipping, the whipping! maybe it's too late to try to make a difference. what would happen to Aceh in the next 10, 20 years? could it be the time when the extremist islam taking over and there will be no space for people like me? people who embrace the freedom of not believing in god and religion. people who embrace atheism. and for my moslem friend, your god must have told you in his book on how to react to this piece of though. "To you be your way, and to me mine (109:6)"

solipsism

in the middle of pursuing my master degree. sigh. i know, in this sense i am not that special, there are millions of other people in other part of the world doing exactly what i am doing at the moment. they might have achieve so much more. one of the point in my life when i feel down. not because i feel i cant pull it through, i just need a room to breath. such as life.

intelligence. attractiveness. one could easily overwhelm by an intellectual encounter, however profoundly disgusted by superficial knowledge. in the state of despair for such refreshing conversation, flow of ideas and challenge. forbidden thought. hidden knowledge. that man and his sesquipedality character. words words words. you and your solipsist joke. go away, go away.

ah, a master degree. what does it mean to have one? prestige? knowledge? expertise? experience?

a tattoo

My dad always told me not to do something that is irreversible. that is, if i ever wished to change something from my past, its still possible. his definition of irreversible things is included: tattoo, piercing (even if u can remove it, its still gonna leave a mark anyway), and few other things that i dont really want to share here. 

so anyway, apart that. i had one piercing, on my belly button, and i love it, and i dont think i'll take it off anytime soon. and now i am thinking of getting a tattoo. i thought about this tattoo for about 3 years now, and i still havent get it done. for this one, i dont want to be impulsive, *like i normally did* i want to think about it properly and come up with a design that will stay on my skin forever. not something i pick form an album, i want a picture that is made for me, one picture that would reflect my personality and somewhat record my youngsters days, one picture that i'll never regret or wanted to remove.

anyone could give me any suggestion or helped me out on this?

that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

the last time i told that to myself was around 3 years ago. early 2006. yeah, around that time.

a moment in time, one of a turning point in my life. the best gift i ever give to myself. sigh. i looked back of "who" (or what?) am i today and think, how could i be so weak so stupid?

in the end, after all this year, i can talk about it, not without the bitterness, but at least i can admit my mistake and learn a lesson from it. but yeah, its a lesson that i learn the hard way: To love myself more than anything else.

that was the moment when i turn my back on my childhood god. that was the relationship that left a mark so deep i become afraid of commitment and i never stop doubting what love have to offer to me, that was the filter that allow me to see with incredible clarity, who is friend, who is acquaintances, and who is enemy.

and yeah, i am grateful i went through that difficult year. otherwise, i probably wont be as strong as i am today.


*it might be irrelevant to you, but really, i have to quote this sentence*
What does your conscience say? — "You shall become the person you are."

Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 1882

a cyber personality of three sisters

what i mean is me and my sisters.

lets face it, in this cyber space, we could 'design' our personality, we could filter the impression we want to reflect of ourselves, but we could also be brutally honest, something that perhaps we didnt do so often in the 'real' world.

my small observation today, from this table in the library *where i supposed to learn about the concept of new regionalism* is the way my sisters "reflecting" themselves in their cyber existence.

my second sister, wrote a substantial amount of "crazy thoughts", as well as her dreams and feeling for life, the spirit, the things she learn, things she went through (within the realm of reality and imagination).

my third sister, kept two separate blog, one which reflect her funny side, and the other one that reflect her serious side. one blog somewhat represent the embarrassing fact about her daily lives and her family (including me, of course), and the other blog represent the side of a 'mature' woman, looking upon moments in life, while at the same time the life of a university student in a 'student city' of Jogja..

and me, well.. if you happen to read this post, i would assume you've read other post as well, so i think you know better in judging my writing style and characteristic. and yeah, i am kinda honest in this cyberspace existence.. somewhat honest..

anyway, enough for now. i better start working again. ciao!

strangely enough, i miss jakarta..

you know what i missed?

my car. well, not my car per se, my parents car. one that i can drive around and un-worry. i am totally save, police wont touch me. HAHAHA.

the street food. there's no such things as hungry in the middle of the night and have to cook for myself. just take a walk outside the house and i can find all kind of street food. noodle, rice, seafood, satay, soto, roti bakar, bubur.. i dont need to rely on vending machine for my food supply at this hour of the night.

my bedroom. of course. my bed, the smell of spices. the rows and rows of books and magazine. the warm blanket. the pictures on the wall, my painting on the toilet. the family potrait above the mirrors, the BIG window. the carpet. the bathroom. hmmm..

i miss those random nights when we used to drive nowhere, get on the highway and see where we gonna ended up. suprise visit to bandung. planning an escape *that never happen*. hunting for pictures in the old town, or the mini studio in your room. your special vodka and orange. our attempt to cook *fail misserably*. ah, i miss those days. so irresponsible, so childish, so carefree.