well that was the initial plan, but apparently this become a scattered space of my inconsistent ramble and incoherent mumble. I write my heart out, I throw my anger and frustation, I jotted my hopes and dreams, I record my random thoughts here

September 25, 2007

Dream big = Dream bitter?

go to wikiquote and search 'dream', at the top of the page you will find this "Dreams are but the illusion that we put upon ourselves to make life in an unbearable world liveable" We all dreamer, at least used to be one. isnt it convenient to think of something nice, something achieve-able, something comforting that will happen if we work hard enough to get it, if we run fast enough to catch it, if we're patient enough to wait for it. Isnt it nice? I mean, could it be anything more beautiful than a dream come true? something we wished to happen, something we long for? Dont you agree with me?So they say, beneath the dreams there's hope, and with the hope anything could happen. TRUE? false! at least for me, dreams and dreams and dreams, and while i am strangled in my dreams and the world spinning and voila, suddenly i see an almost dead end, the path that lead me there getting narrow everytime i looked up. sigh, i rolled to the end of the page and i found:"But only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'Twas always thus, and always thus will be."

how i wish.. how i wish..

August 27, 2007

an echo from my backyards


*Ideology can be defined as: A set of ideas, comprehensive vision, a way of looking at things, a common sense, or a set of ideas proposoed by the dominant class of a society to all members of this society. Every society has an ideology that forms the basis of "public opinion" or common sense. This dominan ideology appear as "neutral", holding to assumption that are largely unchallenged. Meanwhile, all other ideologies that different from the dominant ideology are seen as radical, no matter what the content of their actual vision may be. Ideology of a society will be determined according to what is in the rulling class best interest. (Modified from wikipedia)

Just think about that little paraghraph i took from an article in wikipedia. Absorb the meaning and put it into your daily practice, put yourself in larger picture as a member of a society and feel the strong force of the "dominant ideology" towards your daily live.

Do you feel stupified? silenced? utilized? or maybe even "colonized"?

These are the matter lots of people took for granted, the right to have an ideas and put it into practice. I would call the ruling goverment (at least for Malaysia and Indonesia) as colonizer, since for me, they were just using the skin, the casing of so-called local people with the only interest to hold the power, to hold the ability to utilize the "common people" for their own interest. If the era of colonization is over, then this is the new form of colonization, to force the idea, the ideology of a society into people's mind and force them to be "obidient" while tagged those who stand on different side as radical. I said different, not necessarily mean opposite side.
Penjajahan ideology could be done by any society through education, economic development, religion force, etc. Put it into simpler context, an example: as a biologist, i believe that the destruction of natural resources for the sake of immediate economic development is still destructive and not a right thing to do, therefore i am against the clearance of forest and turn it into palm plantation, or timber resources or aquaculture pond. As a politician, my father believe the way to "modernized" a society and "educate" the people is through "facilitate the economic development" which, in less complicated manner by creating an industrial area, like the palm plantation and explitation of timber resource which is still abundant in Indonesia. My disagreement with his ideas were seen as radical, as for him my belief sounds like 'a growth retardation on a retarded community' --ok, lets not call it retarded, call it much less developed-- and this is (for him) the other word for penjajahan ideology that happen to me while i was thought in class whom lecturer were west-educated. sigh.

Apakah saya membiarkan diri saya dijajah?

Maybe its just the matter of which society we live, this biologist and that politican live in different society that hold different ideology.

July 8, 2007

on the road to nowhere

"Go forth on your path, as it exists only through your walking." ~ Saint Augustin (354-430)

i am officially homeless now.

i had thousands question in mind, that is less important than the people selling watches and bags on petaling street but as haunting, it keep comin to me, you know.

So there's a story about a financially poor couple whose been waiting so long to have a boy, until one day the wife conceive and gave birth to a boy! the neighboors commenting how lucky they are to get such cute baby boy, it doesnt take long until the boy grow up and start to have a request, the boy wanted to have a horse! of course the parents cant afford to buy a horse, so the neighboors comment on what-a-bad-luck the situation is, until suddenly someone present the boy a horse, what a goodluck again, the neighboor said.. the boy wanted a horse and somebody give it to him.. not so long after, when the boy ride the horse he accidentally fall and break his left leg, he will be dependent on walking stick for the rest of his life, what a bad luck again comment the neighboors.. years passed, and before the people realize: the country is at war, all the men are required to join the army forces, but the boy managed to escaped the army forces because of the imperfetion of his body, due to the "horse accident" that happen years back.. and so the neighboor said.. what a lucky boy he is..

Now, the question is.. how we define luck? a certain occation on certain condition that is favorable? how do we define making sense? anything that felt convinient to you? how do we define.. failure? ok, this very question struck me.. i dont know, sometimes i feel like i fail myself to be a good daughter, i fail to be a good believer, i fail in many aspect of my live. But as the earth spin and we human discover, i bet there's still too many sides of live i have yet to see.. Sometimes, when we're on the edge of despair.. we fail to see the beautiful side of live..

And how you can tell about the part that matter most in live? to pursuit happiness? how do you define happiness again? a state of satisfaction when you achieve something? or a mere 'good kick' on your everyday live? its like the saying "people who know nothing didnt make mistake"-because they dont know, no one can blame them about it-

i grow up inside the circle of asian culture where the pride the dignity the name of the family is the thing that matter most, at one point in my life i choose my own path and refuse to walk the path people choose for me, maybe its too early, or maybe its way too early as this decision stir the murky-water-relationship between me and my parents, time clocking way too fast since i make up my mind about it, and of course, there's always price to pay, maybe when the lure of expensive cars and luxurious house fail to pull me, the need of safety fail to caged me, i would rather live on the street if that will allow me to have the power on myself..

reminding ourselves of Benjamin Franklin's words:
"Those who would give up essential liberty to puschase temporal safety deserves neither liberty nor safety"

June 28, 2007


This entry started with big question mark (?)

It start since i left Indonesia to Malaysia, when i arrived in Penang Airport at June 12, 2003, the first thing immigration officer ask me:" Indonesian? worker? " sighed, i pulled out the letter from USM, and things happen to work different in the immigration if you are a student.

Now lets fast forward to the time when i attend my english class. Apparently, an Indonesian student in school of biology (at that time) is not something common, and almost everybody curious if i was a moslem or a christian.. gigling, sometime i let them wonder on their own..

So this nationality and religion thing never become a big problem until recently; I was on the bus station with bunch of friends, laughing and smoking and so.. suddenly, this old guy (about 50 or 60 something) come up to us and point to me -right to my 'asian' nose- and say (in angry tone): MUSLIM? ARE YOU MUSLIM? WHERE IS YOUR ID? IF YOU ARE MUSLIM I WILL CALL THE POLICE!!
clueless, i thought.. maybe he's a crazy guy? whats wrong with him? the next second, one of my friend get up and point back to him (also in angry tone): YOU DONT TALK TO A LADY LIKE THAT, BECAREFUL WITH YOUR MOUTH OLD MAN
so it continues:
ME: (get defensife) hey i am not malaysian, and i have nothing to do with you
a minute later he's on the phone with his son and he told the son that me and my friends nearly hit him, and say fuck to him and stuff. not so long after, 3 of his son come over and we nearly involved in a fight. geez.. i dont know how to describe the tense.. but that make me thinking.. are those people, who recognize themselves as moslem, really 'clean'? never smoke and so, the son never 'touch' their girl and so..sigh.. are they really thought they could get into other people bussiness that far? i mean, we're nearly land each other hand on each other face. sigh.

and about the nationality, its another different story.. i never regret to be born as Indonesian, but unfortunately, it closed many doors for me.. sigh..at least some doors can be opened, by force..

Advice of the day:
Blood is not equal to loyalty, help, and friendliness. think about it. it happen to me recently.

April 24, 2007

beauty or beyond?

I was a big fan of The Body Shop product, its expensive indeed.. but i know that my money goes to a good cause. I support their campaign about community trade, against animal testing, love yourself, stop abuse, etc. Until one day i realize something, body shop launch a new product; moisture white. Why i am so disturbed with the launch of this product?? because i disagree about the idea that we have to have fair skin to be beautiful! its disturbing to see the advertisement everywhere, whitening this, whitening that, from Diorsnow to Fair and Lovely -as if we have to be fair to be lovely. Its not the color, its the ideas that disturbing me. My question is; are we, asian women refuse to admit that we're beautiful with our very own brown skin? perhaps we need to redefine the concept of beauty again.

additional reading klik here
image taken from here

April 13, 2007


I as having a lot complicated brainstroming about this topics mixed with my own personal perception, story, and ideas. But when i try to pour it down in words and letter, it evaporate. gone.

I just wanted to share a video, directed by Theo Van Gogh (descendand of famous painter Vincent Van Gogh) who ended up murdered by Muhammad Bouyeri on the bright day light at Linnaeusstraat, in Amsterdam. The script for the movie were written by Ayaan Hirsi Ali, a somalian-born dutch-feminist, she went to Holland seek for asylum. Live path, intelegence, and perhaps luck has made her a member of parliament in Holland. Although in the end she choose to resign from the parliament, I still admire her for her courage and sharp mind.

March 28, 2007

Trial and Error

I am not good at photograph people. But i give it a try anyway!

March 26, 2007

Penang oh Penang

Sunset view from Harapan Lake, USM

Penang bridge from my window

Pantai Kerachut, Jan 2007

Botanical Garden, sept 2006

komtar, June 2003

sunrise from my apartment, January 2007

This post is quite personal. Its my story of 4 years living in Penang. I am currently extended student in USM main campus. And after long struggle i am finally reach my final semester. sigh. The first time i set foot in Penang was June 12, 2003. Just few days after my prom nite, just few days after saying goodbye to my high school mate. I was with my mother and her friend, i was soooo excited to start a new life as uni student, away from home, away from family, everything is brand new. I meet my first Indonesian friend at Canselori building, and from him i meet another, and to my suprise, there's a lot of Indonesian here! make me feel like home. haha. later i realized this was a mistake.

But there's few thing about Penang that i found odd, the food and the beach. I thought penang is one of the main tourist destination in Malaysia (as i wish i can have holiday while studying) with white sandy beach and blue water where you can dive, but its actually not true! My first dissapointment, the dream of going to the beach after class start to fade away, but i believe i can have other type of fun here.

On my first year, i did a lot of round trip in Penang with my Indonesian mate, and spend a little in class. And yes, you can expect what happen, my semester result drop below 2.00, and i start carry the Percubaan 1 status. I worked harder on the second semester, but the languange was a big obstacle. i did very badly in the exam, and one more time, my pointer dropped below 2.00, i almost drop out. I start to dislike study, giving up hope, but promise to my parents to give it one more shoot, they say; if you've work hard, work harder. And i was relief to see the result for that semester, at least i am on OK stage. I have to repeat few class that i failed to pass on my first year, i changed completely. I rarely missed class, i sit on the front row, i asked question, i pay extra attention, but the result wasnt so satisfiying, some lecturer start to see me as 'trouble maker', sigh.

Time goes on, before i realize its already 2007. June this year would be my forth year in USM. And i hope i wont be here by that time. I really do. Different changes happen in different aspect on my live in Penang, i am no longer hang out around other Indonesian student, i am no longer went for a movie every weekend, no more days spend sitting at pool centre or football field watching the boys play, no more hunting for indonesian food. I am done with all those, i dont even went back home that often. My perception about things has changed, i used to always missed home.. but now i think i am ready to go further.. I used to be afraid of other people judgement, but now i dont give any shit any longer. Being alone in a Malaysia has taught me lots of things, i learn to live on my own, do my own dishes, wash my own bed shit, managed my monthly allowance, learn different culture, and deal with different culture. I am happy i choosed the hard way, i am happy i've gone through lots of shit, and i am glad i have bigger capacity to restraint, to keep standing when things gone from bad to worse. I've moarn a lot about life in Penang, but at this point of my life, I love penang. Although i refuse to stay any longer.

March 23, 2007

Gay Pride

Some of you might recognize this rainbow flag, but some of you might not. This colourful flag is one of the symbol for gay pride.

The color of the flag have different meaning, accordind to wikipedia, the red color stands for courage, orange offers the vision of possibilities, yellow represent challange, green indicates understanding of aims and values of co-operation, blue represent the far horizon, to strive towards global unity, and violets represents warmth, beauty, and friendship.

The rainbow flag has been used as a symbol of gay and lesbian pride since 1970. The different color symbolize diversity in gay community, and the flag often used as a symbol on gay right marches. Originated from United States but now uses around the world.

I was introduced to this flag not so long a go, a friend of mine 'educate' me about gay people and their life, so i start hang out on gay bar, reading books about the 'world' of gay and lesbian people, watching queer as folks, getting to know them, and this make me realize that all the suspicion about gay people is very judgemental and unfair! because 90% of the prejudice come from ignorance, people who refuse to learn. Lack of knowlegde about gay and lesbian has lead to many other negative things, discrimination towards gay and lesbian is completely unfair, because gay and lesbian is basically normal, they able to do things straight people did, even more. I really admire out-of-the-closet gay, who dare to stand up straight and tell the world that he's gay and he's proud. Thats really something.

Maybe in US or EU, being gay is not a really big problem. But Asia have different story, being gay (or becoming gay) in this part of the world would mean things will be lot more difficult, although its true that there will always be gay people anyway you go in the world, doesnt mean they always be accepted. Especially in the country where moslem is majority, because being gay is a really big sin, as if its a choice someone can make for themself. In Middle East, if you gay and the goverment find out, you can be punished by death penalty. Even in wealth-growing-nation China. Why gay people get into so much shit? maybe its religion, but i believe its ignorance. Something we dont know, something we dont understand might scare us, and our reaction is to diminish the subject, by creating such rules and dogma.

Some people look down on gay people, but the fact, lot of succesful people that marked their name in history is gay. But most people will ignore the fact that they're gay, for their own insecurities. Its sad, but thats what happen. Conclusion of this blog: Hands up for gay right.

bio-diesel; solution or big joke?

If we heard the word biodiesel, what comes to our mind is environmentally-friendly fuel, clear burning, domestically produced, renewable sources. In other word; briliant invention.

Do we know how they made biodiesel? biodiesel made from plant, such as soybeans and palm oil. These oil gone through chemical process called transesterification whereby the glycerin is separated from fat or vegetable oil, the process create two different product, methyl-esther (which become biodiesel) and glycerin. Biodiesel company claim that biodiesel is environmentally-friendly because it have lower emission compared to petroleum fuel, plus its less toxic and biodegradable. Sounds too good to be true? now is the bitter fact.

The source for soybeans and oil palm that being processed for biodiesel production comes from developing country. poor country, who ready to exploit their natural resources for money. Blame the corrupt goverment or the weak enforcement, but i am not talking about politic here.

Brazil, as we know brazil hold the biggest part of one of the world greatest jungle; The amazon, And the consequences of soybean farm, heavy deforestation taken place in Amazon, forest become patches of forest, clear cutting and burning become popular way to clear the land. Why this become important issues? i guess in today's world we start to have awareness about the importance of the forest and the reason why we have to keep them. They stabilize the system; from hidrology circulation, soil protection, biodiversity richness, carbon sink, etc. Forest regulate water through evaporespiration process, they cover the soil and protect its nutrient cycle, roots of the trees holding the soil to prevent erosion, the leaves prevent direct exposure of rainfall and sunlight that can caused infertile soil, forest is home to so many organism, and Amazon is one of the richess tropical forest filled with endemic species that only exist on that very place, nowhere else. Forest also act as carbon sink, and cutting down (or burning) the trees mean we release carbon into the atmosphere. Carbon is one of the most active greenhouse gases, the popular gasses that causing global warming.

Who is to blame? The highest demand for brazil soy products come from European Union, and the biggest brazil timber importer is United States followed by European Union. What is the bullshit about sustainable agriculture that these people trying to force? In fact, the reason why brazilian keep turning a piece of forest into farm is because there's high demand for the farming product. I cant blame the brazilian, but i cant blame the consumer either.

Malaysia is the world biggest palm oil exporter, followed by Indonesia at second place. Both Malaysia and Indonesia own world oldest jungle, forest that survived thousands year, and both goverment cut it down for the timber product and promised to turn them into palm plantation, for the sake of local cummunity. Its just sad, because it doesnt happen as it promised. Newly-opened palm oil plantation area in borneo encounter a lot of problem, and the soil actually does not suitable for palm oil plantation. Why they keep on going?

You might have in mind, what is the difference if we keep the forest or turn them into plantation? its still green anyway. Well, diversity increase stability, and agriculture plantation is actually very poor in diversity, all the trees share the same genetic code and if one tree get attacked by certain kind of virus or bacteria, the whole population will get affected.

And now, do you still think biodiesel is environmentally-friendly product? sometimes its more that just the output, the process have to be taken into account too.