well that was the initial plan, but apparently this become a scattered space of my inconsistent ramble and incoherent mumble. I write my heart out, I throw my anger and frustation, I jotted my hopes and dreams, I record my random thoughts here

May 27, 2010

“Plantations are forests in uniform. They look like soldiers all lined up in ranks, and that is what they are. Dressed in green, they march off to the world market. The hymns that sing their praises in the name of our Mother Earth are lies. Industrial forests are to natural forests what military music is to music, and what military justice is to justice.” Eduardo Galeano, World Rainforest Movement, September 2009

May 25, 2010

my love and hate with the world of academia

My thesis has got to the point when it got really really interesting, really really complex, and really really confusing.

I can choose to do this all my life with no regret, but at the same time I am allergic to it.

I am literally start sneezing as I am writing, but as soon as I close the window, the sneeze disappear.

evolution picker

Lets face it, the theory of evolution doesnt fit the religious teaching. The religious teaching has made it blatant and obvious that we were created by god. Adam were sculpted from mud and god breathe in soul into the sculpture, then eve were created from Adam's rib as his companion.They both kicked out from heaven and dumped to earth and start breeding, populating this planet. We all know that, right?

So, the theory of evolution describe the other side of the story, they other way to climb the mount improbable, and being sculpted by god and breath-in a soul is not how us - Homo sapiens - come into being. We evolved from a single cell living organism out in the sea and we evolve, over the time span of billions of years into this advance creature that now dominate the planet. Looking back in our evolutionary traits, we shared the same ancestor as the apes. In the other words, we are animals. The difference between us and the rest of animal kingdom is we have such a high capacity to adapt to different environment and thrive.

In today's world, the flow of information is vast and technology has enable certain things that seems inconceivable in the past, its seems illogical to comprehend the idea that evolution is just a theory. The piles of proof of evolution is piling up as the scientific community obtain better understanding about the world. Nevertheless, there's always religious wings of community that refuse to accept this facts and choose to deny.

These people often falls in the "extreme" category. Choose one and not the other. Black and White.

But most of us, stand somewhere in the middle. Accepting the theory of evolution while holding hard to our stone age belief system. These religious intellectualist choose to believe the theory of evolution when it comes to other species existence, while taking the religious teaching of creationism when it comes to our being.

Isnt it weird? why our being have to be different? is it because God wants us to be special? or the whole thing is just delusion?

Admittedly, until now the scientific community is still searching for the initial starter of the evolution process, we partly know how it move forward, but how does it actually started in the first place?? what bring the non-organic material into a living creature? It was almost a complete darkness in the scientific knowledge until yesterday, for the first time in human history, a scientist created life on the lab. Its almost literally mixing a handful of chemical and voila! Life!

and now, are we playing god with god?

May 6, 2010

Indonesia forest fact

  • Fact #1: 95 percent of exports were not legal in the early nineties.
  • Fact #2: Malaysian companies have been accused of logging illegally and smuggling logs to Malaysia
  • Fact #3: Illegal logging supplies 52 percent of logs. In the mid 1990s, 84 percent of timber concession holders failed to obey the law.
  • Fact #4: Losses due to illegal logging estimated to be $3.5 per year in the mid nineties
  • Fact #5: 84 percent of timber concessionaires do not follow the law. Illegal logging is taking place in national parks
  • Fact #6: As much as 40 percent of the pulp and paper wood supplies come from undocumented sources
source: Contreras-Hermosilla (2001)
Dudes, running a country is not easy, come forward if you think you can do better.. it bugs me so much to hear you scream empty criticism from the back of your cave.

You have no idea what the hell you're talking about and being such a sectoral parochial creature that you are, you could start to get educated by looking to your left, and right.

good luck

yes, I know. I am an arrogant bitch.

May 4, 2010

a senator who dont give a shit

"any sort of price put on carbon this country done unilaterally whether by carbon tax as the the green wants or emission trading scheme will disadvantage Australian industry and will cost australian both through their hip pocket because the whole thing is based on putting your electricity price up with the hope you will pay higher and use less electricity"
- Nick Minchin;Liberal Senator for South Australia

tell me what YOU think?

just around the corner

When i logged into my email this morning, not a single strain of thought in my head thinking I will hear what I just heard. When the news delivered to my inbox, I thought it was a prank. I wish its a prank, a joke.

Do you know how it feel when someone you know so well at one stage of your life, and you lose contact when you walk through another phase of life but you know they still there, you just need to talk to them again when you come home.. but suddenly you figure out they're not.. they're no longer there.. they're gone for good..

That was how I felt when I try to get a grip with the news, it was short, one sentenced news..

"Wi, Thoriq pass away last night"

My finger quickly hit the reply button and typed, "You're joking, right?"

two seconds later I receive one word reply "Serious"

I cant hardly believe my eyes, no warning, no story, nothing. I have no bloody clue such things were near until it happen. It come and struck all of us frozen. It was hard to believe.

Sigh. letting go, again.

I still dont know how or why he die, maybe I dont want to know, maybe there are things I rather not hear.. whatever that is.. you know you have people who love you, unconditionally, Thoriq.

There's no heaven, we shall never meet again. Always be grateful with today and you shall not live in vain.
(an engraving in a cemetery in toowong, brisbane)

May 2, 2010

new toy

disclaimer: not the picture of the toy, but the evidence of its existence.. lols

birthday was a BLAST

The party..

was a total blast

I happy to be surrounded by great people, great friends who actually go EXTRA miles for me.. Lou baked me two super-ultra-awesome cakes (Apple crumble and walnut cake), organize the whole party, make nibbles and give me super-ultra-mega-awesome birthday present :)

Ross gave me the present that I've been wanting for weeks! and baked me an awesome chocolate frost, which I bite before my birthday..

the crowd was awesome and I am happy to be surrounded by such an awesome friends, can express my gratitude enough to show how much I appreciate this.. really, really awesome birthday. Thanks heaps. :)

April 28, 2010

What I need right now..

Is a good wash of the ocean.

naked on the beach on the broad day light.

wearing nothing but hairs and tattoos..

[insert appropriate picture here]

...haha, if only I have the body (and the guts) to do that..

April 20, 2010

cant seems to think of one

I was reading for my thesis, and i stumble upon this sentence:

"Indonesia is two thing, a unified country and a plurality of distinct people government by their own customs"

COLCHESTER, M., APTE, T., LAFORGE, M., MANDONDO, A. & PATHAK, N. 2003. Bridging the gap: communities, forests and international networks. CIFOR occasional paper, 41.

April 15, 2010

an acehnese girl in brisbane

I come from a country where more than half of the population live with less than $2 a day. I come from a country where the government felt no obligation to provide proper health care and proper education system. I come from a country where 88% of the population is moslem and the constitution based on religion, or at least "believing in ONE god" (lets open the argument about this one on different post). I come from a country where the system is corrupt, the majority of the population is hypocrite, crime is common, environment is fucked, and life is harsh. In general.

but it wasnt all bad.

I come from a country where the sun is shining all year long. the country where the tropical sea is near, the forest is green and lush, the biodiversity is rich, the resources is plenty, the soil is fertile the landscape is scenic, and the people are genuine..

and i miss home.

April 14, 2010

impulsive dream

I mean, literally dreaming. seeing (and doing) things while you're asleep.

I had a weird dream last night (well dreams are weird, arent they??)

I dont know what was the initial occasion but I see myself walking into a travel agent and thinking to got myself a one way ticket to Europe or US. At the point I walked into that shop, I havent decided where I wanted to go, I just want to give myself a surprise, and I can afford it anyway. So, any direction will do, whatever, I am being impulsive.

Turn out I bought a ticket to LA, for $600. It seems to make sense, but in my head.. as I walk out of the shop.. I was wondering why do I do this? Isnt there's a better way to spend my money?? As I wonder my way home to pack.. I woke up!!

damn it.

April 10, 2010


I love being a girl. I can feel what you're feeling as you're feeling it inside the feeling before.
I am an emotional creature. Things do not come to me as intellectual theories or hard-shaped ideas.
They pulse through my organs and legs and burn up my ears.
I know when your girlfriend's really pissed off even though she appears to give you what you want.
I know when a storm is coming. I can feel the invisible stirrings in the air.
I can tell you he won't call back. It's a vibe I share.

I am an emotional creature. I love that I do not take things lightly.
Everything is intense to me. The way I walk in the street. The way my mother wakes me up.
The way I hear bad news. The way it's unbearable when I lose.

I am an emotional creature. I am connected to everything and everyone.
I was born like that. Don't you dare say all negative that it's a teenage thing or it's only only because I'm a girl. These feelings make me better. They make me ready. They make me present.

They make me strong.

I am an emotional creature. There is a particular way of knowing.
It's like the older women somehow forgot. I rejoice that it's still in my body.

I know when the coconut's about to fall. I know that we've pushed the earth too far.
I know my father isn't coming back. That no one's prepared for the fire.
I know that lipstick means more than show. I know that boys feel super-insecure
and so-called terrorists are made, not born.

I know that one kiss can take away all my decision-making ability
and sometimes, you know, it should.

This is not extreme. It's a girl thing. What we would all be if the big door inside us flew open.
Don't tell me not to cry. To calm it down. Not to be so extreme. To be reasonable.
I am an emotional creature. It's how the earth got made. How the wind continues to pollinate.

You don't tell the Atlantic ocean
to behave.

I am an emotional creature. Why would you want to shut me down or turn me off?
I am your remaining memory. I am connecting you to your source. Nothing's been diluted.
Nothing's leaked out. I can take you back.

I love that I can feel the inside of the feelings in you, even if it stops my life even if it hurts too much
or takes me off track even if it breaks my heart. It makes me responsible.
I am an emotional I am an emotional, devotional, unconditional, creature.
And I love, hear me, love love love, being a girl.

Eve Ensler, a playwright and activist, is the founder of V-Day, a global movement to end violence against women and girls. In conjunction with I AM AN EMOTIONAL CREATURE, V-Day has developed a targeted pilot program, V-Girls, to engage young women in our "empowerment philanthropy" model, providing them with a platform to amplify their voices.

--> for all the girls in the world, and the girls inside all of us

This poems is taken from from this TED India 2009 : Embrace your inner girl

April 5, 2010

A friend send me a link few month ago, its an interactive map that show the possible impact if the global mean temperature rise by 4 degrees celsius.

Its a very informative and interesting map, and if you're curious about your future, you might be interested to have a look on this map rather than peeking on the astrology section on the latest magazine.


i did it!!


fish and veggies (kitchen experiment)

and it actually taste good!!

March 30, 2010

this is my story

I grow up in reasonably religious (yet liberal) family, in one of the most conservative region in my country. I went to public primary school and made the decision to pursue higher education in islamic religious school, called Madrasah Tsanawiyah (later abbreviated as MTs). I was twelve at that time. It was the requirement from the school to wear headscarf, at that time headscarf is not yet compulsory for woman in the province (things are different now). On the second year (when I was thirteen) I made the decision to wear the headscarf outside school as well. My parents was proud of my decision.

Despite the headscarf, I was not THAT religious when I was thirteen. When my parents told me to pray, I often lied to them and pretend that I pray when I didnt. I mumble through pages and pages of arabic words during the Quran recitation lesson. My parents used to hire a religious teacher to teach us kids to read quran and to understand the book. We used to spend the afternoon sitting in the living room reciting the Quran together and discussing its meaning. I used to hate those lessons, but I guess I was just lazy back then and I am more interested in playing outside and climbing tress, be fascinated with the natural worlds rather than reading the holy scriptures.

In the MTs (literally translated as junior high school in arabic), half of the curriculum consist of islamic studies of some sort, from the History of Islam, Quran and Hadist lesson, Fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence), Calligraphy, Qiyas and Kalam (Islamic theology) alongside of the modern study like biology and physics. All of those study were taught at school and discussed at home, the study and the discussions with my parents encourage logical thinking and sense of reasoning. My parents also taught me Ijtihad, the process of seeking the answer within yourself, using your reasoning, sense and perception and logical thinking when you encounter problem that does not have explicit solution in available scriptures (Quran and Sunnah). Less than religious that I am, I have follow all this guidance in making lots of decision in my teenage life.

The seed of doubt about religion has always been inside my head even then, but I have always suppressed them and label those thoughts as evil thoughts. I shouldn't question god or my religion. Who am I, afterall, a mere human being to question her creator?

I remember on my biology class, the theory of evolution were first introduced to the young, innocent me. I was fascinated when my teacher said "According to darwin, we human evolve from apes" (later I learn that she get it wrong, what Darwin said is that human and apes have common ancestor), in my mind.. what an amazing thing! how that could possibly happen? impossible!! so I asked her (bear in mind that at that time I was very young and I have no intention to ridicule this teacher, I was only curious little kid) : "If human evolved from apes, could it be that Adam is the first apes to be given logical thinking by god?" my question was dismissed the second I finish pronouncing it, "evolution is just theory, its unproven. Quran is FACT", she said sharply. I was silenced, retreat back to my corner and never asked her anymore question for the next three years.

I also remember the time when my Islamic History teacher taught us about the Kafir (infidel) Quraisy at the time of Mohammed. She told us how stubborn and ignorant they were, when they're lucky enough to life in the time of the prophet and yet they choose to not believe in his god and continue to pray to their totemic god instead. And yet us, all of us in this classroom is enlighten with Islam in our soul even if we were born much later than the time of the prophet, we all will be saved from the blazing fire of the hell that god promised for the infidels, for the unbelievers. Given that I dont have any traumatic experience with this teacher yet, I raised my hands and vomit the question that has been daunting my mind the whole session. I asked her "So, will Mother Teresa and Lady Diana (at that time, those two figures is still alive and is very-very-very famous for their altruistic action) will be tortured in hell as well because they're infidels*?" my teacher looked at me and explain, very gently: "If you're a moslem, and you cant make it to heaven on the first assessment, your soul will undergone purification through torture in hell and you will eventually get to heaven. But If you're not a moslem, even if you're a good person, hell is the place for you, but perhaps your torture will be lighter than a non-moslem bad person". That doesnt make very much sense to me at that time, but for the fear of the authority, I shut up and nod. "I understand".

Throughout my teenager years, my level of religiousness has experience its ebb and tide, there are times when I am too lazy to pray and forgot about god, there are also times when I kneel down, put my forehead on the floor, praying, intensively.

Graduating from the MTs, our family have to moved to the capital and my parents were rather worry with the bad reputation of public education in Jakarta, they decided to send me to private boarding school that still teach religion, but take moderate approach and encouraging personal development as well. So its not all academics, it give good balance of creativity, logic and reasonal thinking, as well as subsequent amount of religious study. I was excited with this opportunity, I decided to let go of my headscarf when I enter this school ground. I was "liberated" and keen to explore my new world.

I become more and more rebellious within three years of high school education, suddenly criticizing the teacher is an option! we were allowed to argue with the teacher if we think they were wrong, we were allowed to contest their authority, students even have the "legislative bodies" that were set up as opinion channel to encourage democracy at school. It was awesome. Suddenly having a rebellious thought is acceptable. The english, arabic and quran recitation class were also divided based on your current ability to cope with the level of learning. Ironically, the placement test put me at the beginner class of english, medium class of arabic, and expert class of Quran recitation!

I was still, experiencing the ebb and tides of being religious/unreligious throughout this times.

The turning point of my religious belief happened towards the end of my unstable teenager years, at first I thought it was just a decision of an angry teenager loosing grip of her life and fall into depression, but after all this years.. I know its not just anger or frustration that fuel my rebellion, I have think about my decision, I have weight my reasons, and I am fairly confident in defending my position. However, I did not deny the possibility that I might be wrong, and if I am proven to be wrong I am ready to admit that my argument is invalid.

*note that the concept of infidels for me at that time is anyone who is NOT moslem, doesnt matter is that person is a devout catholic or very religious jewish, they're infidels to me. - let alone if they say they're atheists, blazing HELL for them -

in an effort to make progress with this dummy assignment

I get out of that claustrophobic room, intended to move to the library but get to depressed even before starting the assignment.. and for some reason I landed at the coffee shop instead..

You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?

When I was in primary school, I was the best in Calligraphy. My calligraphy teacher love me because I did some amazing work (back then, not anymore), at the same time.. my religious teacher hate me because I asked too much irrelevant question and I told my mother that she's a liar. Because in front of my mother she's nice to me, but once my parents out of sight she start saying mean things to me, things like I can never be as good as my sister or I am stupid and all those.. Its almost like a typical soap opera.

oh well, I made my choices.

why crawl through life? I am sure my life has been so much better that what she can ever imagine for herself.

thanks teacher!

this tiny corner

Finally I managed to make this tiny corner a little more.. personal. Soon, the whole room will be re-defined and re-decorated. It seems like such a waste of time, given the number of month I might be spending living here, but I cant seems to bear the dull, plain, uninspiring white walls.

those three square board were meant to be one BIG whiteboard, but due to my self-inconsistency and personal attraction to colorful things, one BIG whiteboard were swapped with three colorful board, which serve the same function, for the same price.

and yes, the family potrait. of course. I am, a family person.. despite the dysfunctionality (typo) of some members of the family (uumm.. all of us, actually)

I put the quote from Rumi "Let the beauty of what you love be what you do" to remind me (on those extremely stressful day) that I love doing my thing, Its a choice. No one is forcing me to go on study, its my choice.

Those three little orange stars were written with the species name of three different type of jellyfish, Chinorex flecken, Aurelia aurita and Physalia physalis.


Physalia physalis, also known as Portuguese Man of War was the first ever jellyfish who dare to sting me. It happened last weekend, when I went to surf in Gold Coast. It comes rather as a suprise, I was flat chested, paddling my board, waiting for the waves.. and suddenly I feel this painful stinging sensation on my wrist. I stop paddling and lift my arm above the water to see the long blue tentacles of this creature wrapped on my arm. bitch!
then all of a sudden I realize that there's so many of them in the water!!! lucky I was NOT naked.

Aurelia aurita is the species name of moon jellyfish, I come across this name some time when I was in high school. Back then, I had this little public diary, where everyone is free to read and write. Random jotter from the whole batch filled this book with stories and memories. uummm.. apart that. So, one day Mirna write a nursery rhyme Betty Botter Bought some Butter (which turn out bitter and make her batter bitter) on that book. Me, not understand that much english at that time, draw some silly jellyfish on the corner of that page, then Mirna write that word *we were in our biology class*: Aurelia aurita, and then take the whole 10 minutes to explain to my half-functioning brain *i dont function very well during lecture* what it is and what it mean. for some reason, that name stuck in my head. Now, nearly two years after graduating as a marine biologist from a crappy university in malaysia, thats one of the very very very few species name that I can manage to remember.

Chinorex flecken is the box jellyfish, I dont have special story with this particular one just yet, but its name hanging there because as long as I am still living in Australia, and still intended to swim in its blue ocean.. I got to be careful with that one creature..


species names because I am trying to be a marine biologist geek, something that I should have done some five years ago, since now all those knowledge is evaporating and my brain is trying to make space for the new knowledge while obtaining the wisdom that suppose to come with age. supposedly.

The colorful marker have to be within reach just in case my creative bone get activated from some random reasons. It rarely happen though.

and did you notice I dont have cigarette on my desk anymore?

In this part of the world, mangosteen IS a luxury

I was in coles on the other day and I spotted mangosteen!! I was so so so so happy to find this tropical fruit. Was about to grab a bag until I spotted the price...

back home I could get 5 Kilo for the same amount of money of getting one, not that, ONE here.

March 24, 2010

librardy (pun intended)

could you possibly spend all day sitting in the library meddling with computer and lots and lots and lots of peer-reviewed papers feeling under constant pressure and chased around by your supervisors and achieve nothing at the end of the day? welcome to the grads life.

March 11, 2010

A day in brisbane (written on 19 Feb 2010)

The air is warm and humid, the typical tropical weather after heavy rain.. water particles suspended in the air, making it heavy and sticky.. it feel bizarre to adjust to this weather again, after three consecutive month of hot dry air of Canberra and icy cold rain, when it rains.

Breathing in.

Hmm.. Brisbane.. my first Australian city..

It doesnt feel the same anymore, the people seems less friendly than how it used to be..I noticed the smokers, they're eveywhere. In every street corner, nearly in every bench and coffee table.. there's someone blowing their smoke..

For some bizarre reason, walking doesnt feel great either.. as I feel this sudden urge of sadness as if I am surrounded by lugubrious mood and I am absorbing the ambience into my chest..Maybe its just me, maybe its just this little chaos I am in, maybe I was reluctant to leave Canberra as I start to find my niche in that concrete jungle..

Why am I not too excited about Tasmania? I've been waiting for this to happen all this while, yet when it finally arrives on my doorstep, I am panic more than anything. I feel I wasnt prepared enough, I feel there's too many outside influence that could screw things up. I hope I am wrong.

Too many accident happen today, the day started off with a minor bicycle accident. As I ride along the street and approaching a traffic light, a woman inside a car suddenly opening her car door without checking her mirror first. I slammed into the car door, but wasnt injured. that woman was too shock to apologize, I just shook my head when I ride away. The next thing that happen is being shouted "idiots" by a bus driver and missed a stairs on my way out of a camera shop, resulting in minor ankle twist. It hurts. I am worried, will it recover sufficiently before the walk??

Shopping for things that I need is not that easy either, I've run around like stupid for more than five hours now, trying to find the raincoat for my camera. Feel like being passed around like a ping-pong ball from one shop to another. The camera shop either have no-bloody-idea of what i I am talking about or told me to look at the outdoor shops. The outdoor shop insist that the camera shop should know better, or simply said we dont have such things. Until there's a slight, dim light at the end of the tunnel. Finally someone who doesnt think I am some sort of an idiot. A guy in outdoor shop is an avid landscape photographer and he understand my confusion. He direct me to a camera shop in Newfarm, and he was certain they got one. aha!

However, as my knowledge about brisbane street start to deteriorate after all this month in Canberra, its only predictable that I got lost trying to find this place. Having a less than accurate GPS on my mobile phone is not making things easier either. When I finally get there after an hour of meandering around the area (supposedly its 10 minutes away from the last shop), I was exhausted to find out that they just sold the last piece yesterday and the new stock will only come in three weeks time. ah, bugger. I am leaving tomorrow!!

My last hope lie on the shop at Mt. Gravatt, and the shop will close at 5.. it 4.13 now, I am so gonna miss my chance. panic panic panic. I run around to figure out which bus going to Mt. Gravatt and how can I get there ASAP.

persistence pays though, I did find the thing at that shop, but after paying at the cashier, I looked at my watch, its 5.30, why are they still wide open? and I look at the clock on the wall.. ah, bugger. I havent adjust my watch back to brisbane time!!

February 28, 2010

Mardi Gras Parade 2010

the crowd

the sexy bondi lifesaver, even better than baywatch

animals from taronga zoo. I want to visit that zoo if they present their "animals" this way. :D

one of the sun god

January 24, 2010

its good to be home (late post)

I was so sick when i get off the plane, i got to drag my feet towards the exit. such a long flight. home, finally. I walk outside and breathe in the polluted air, it stink. somehow i dont mind it so much.

The traffic was mad, like always but i dont have the energy to pay attention, i am too sick. dad is driving and he keep checking my temperature, worried. I instantly feel loved. ah, its good to be home.

Spent five days of my short holiday horizontal. trying to recover from the madness of assignment before i come home. typhoid, dengue fever, and whatever else. a doctor said i got this sick because i was depressed and unstable. of course i dont believe him. visit from good friends helps though, i was released the next day.

I was away for less than a year and already i am amazed with the Indonesian driving skills. seating in passenger seat almost feel like a torture and i nearly believe i have lose my ability to drive through this madness, but it all come back after few hours behind the wheel. the traffic jam was really bad but i dont mind it so much, Jakarta suddenly look pretty, with the air pollution hanging low above the skyscraper and the motorcyclist zig-zagging their way around the traffic. I watch people driving expensive cars throwing rubbish to the street, wealth is not equal to awareness, apparently. watch with awe all those stuff transported with the motorbikes; boxes of things, breads, fruits, chickens. chickens!

Before this, every time someone asked me which part of Indonesia i am from, i always answer: the worst bit. they'll quickly guess; Jakarta?. maybe now i wont say that anymore, Jakarta is not THAT bad. especially with the company of good friends.

Reluctantly, i am back in Brissy. Still not all too excited about summer in Canberra but so looking forward to start working. Cant wait for December 2010, extensive travel across east Indonesia. friends, see you soon.