well that was the initial plan, but apparently this become a scattered space of my inconsistent ramble and incoherent mumble. I write my heart out, I throw my anger and frustation, I jotted my hopes and dreams, I record my random thoughts here

September 12, 2011

Its raining outside..

Perhaps it was this day, 3 years back.

I was in a hospital in Singapore, standing by your bed. It was raining like this, the sky was plain grey. Not a patch of blue in sight. It was raining the whole day.
We both stare outside the glass windows of the ICU, I occasionally check the numbers on the screen, being very worried. Its a machine I dont know the name, but I know tells me how bad your lungs depends on this pumps and this technology. At this moment it tells me only 20% of your lungs functioning. You look so skinny and fragile yet you are still so young and so beautiful. It breaks my heart to learn that you wont be by my side for too long.
It was a self-deception, it was my delusion, hoping you would survive this. Hoping you would get back on your feet and we could run around on the rain again.
You look back at me, and you faintly smile. You write on the small white-board on your lap "Its raining, I like" I remember that faint smile well, for I dont get too see it enough since then. Yes, we used to love rain, rainy days means running around outside being completely soak and throughly happy. We sing, we dance, we laugh, we dont care what the world think. We are the world.
It wasnt too long ago, when the three of us dressed up and hit the club. Only with little money we had. We drink it all.
It wasnt too long ago, when we have no money at all and we spend the day at home playing uno. When we dig into our sofa and scratch for whatever coins we have, to buy a pack of cigarettes and stay hungry for the rest of the day.
It wasnt too long ago, when we claim we are the most beautiful people. We will take over the world one day. When we are rich, famous and fabulous.
It wasnt too long ago, when you tested the guy I was dating. Well baby, let me give you a small update. That man, he was the right man for me. I was just too young and too naive to realize it then. You know how things fall apart between me and that man, and I fall into the vortex of keep seeing the wrong guy ever since. To keep getting hurt and to get back on my feet again. To lost faith in love and regaining it, and loosing it again. I went through it all baby. What you missed was, we are back together now. He was the same man he was back then, and he always managed to comfort me everytime it rains and I start thinking of you. He understand.
Darjeling, you are in my thought. Between the three of us, YOU are the butterfly. The way you carry yourself, the way you always stand out, the way you deal with all the attention you get.
When it rains like this, I recall that moment in the hospital. You cant even talk for all those hoses that runs through your mouth throat into your lungs. For all those machine that keeps you with us a little longer. Just a little bit more. This small hopes we have of seeing you surviving this, this miniscule chance you would actually walk out of this hospital alive had made me drop everything to be by your side. I recall it was Ramadhan, and you were embracing your brand new faith, you were embracing your new religion, you asked me to read you passage from the Quran!
None of us ever thought we would arrive here. at this day, at this moment. None of us prepared for the possibility that one of us would leave this world so young. None of us thought we would watch as your life ticks away from you.
I miss you honey. I miss you dearly. I Remember our promises about the day when we are rich and famous. Baby I am not rich nor famous, but I am no longer broke! I would be able to support you now, I would be able to help you out! I would be able to.. but you're not here anymore, nothing I can do, NOTHING baby other than painting a corner in my thought with your picture, with our memories.
Run free Bakla, no more beaten from your loved ones, no more addictive drugs he used to keep you by his side, no more days of selling your soul to the devil so the three of us could buy something to eat. Those days are gone baby, far gone. What was left is the beautiful memories, woven into the path I am taking, lessons I share with others that I love too. I love you baby, I always do. You know when I look at the stars, I imagine you were one of them.

They say every atom on our bodies was once part of a stars, I know you are not leaving, you're just coming home.

I fell lost in thought, its an unfamiliar territory

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