a title too heavy to wear

Yesterday on the train to uni I asked my supervisor: "If everything goes according to plan, what sorts of timeline am I looking at? When do I actually start?"

He answer: "You are a PhD candidate now. What you are doing now already part of the process"

sigh.

a PhD candidate

I let the thought sinks in a little bit

few years ago I wouldnt dreamed of this, I could easily recall the struggle just to finish my bachelor degree. I could easily recall the doubt if I would ever make it. I could easily recall the mockery comes my way when I tell people about my dreams.

Who cares? I am here now. Ticking things I want to achieve, one by one.

There was this quote I read the other day

"Imagine your childhood self, would she be ashamed of you today or would she be proud?"

I think she would be proud

I dont regret the decision I made in my life so far,

all the decision that has take me to all sorts of places, literally, figuratively. In real dimension or imaginary world, all the places within the world map or within my subconscious realm. maybe my childhood self wouldnt be so proud of my-few-years-ago-self, but I think my childhood self would understand that I need to experience that darkness and find my way out of that gloomy vortex of.. of.. of.. sigh.. enough

my thoughts drifted.. away..

This title, this PhD candidate at times appear a little heavy to wear.

with such titles there is a degree of expectations, there is a degree of wisdom and knowledge one is expected to deliver. It is strange to wear such thing, yet unable to rise to the expectation.

I learn, that in social interaction it is so often not the title of the person that define the intelligence, or the wisdom. Its the words that choose to interact with you, its the behavior they portrayed towards you, and people.

incoherent rumble derived from incomprehensible thoughts..

I come from a place where titles are still idolized, over idealized. The idea of wearing certain title to boost social status is still in the mind of most people. If someone is educated (reflected by the title they are wearing) therefore that person would have higher social status. This framework at times could appear logical (surely higher education and university title reflect someone capability to grasp certain information, process it and re-present it in coherent manner as well as producing original idea that could move society, civilization, forward. NO?) but in other times serve as utter nonsense to represent someone's intellectual capability (oh, if someone doesnt have a degree it means s/he is less capable in leading or performing less good in social and professional construct compared with someone with a degree <-- rubbish)

When I see a wedding invitation which doesnt only bear the names of the brides and groom, but also their titles, I bear this level of repugnance towards society. Was it craving for approval from two thousand guest you hardly care about or was it the social pressure to show off that you have been able to obtain a fuckin degree?

Not that I think a education title is not something one should not be proud of. I think one still should be proud of it, its an achievement on its own right. Earning a degree is not all so easy, one is required to perform to a certain level until one can wear an education title.

but its not everything.

Education is a lifelong journey. It doesnt stop at BSc, BA, Msc, MA or PhD.

It doesnt stop at the letters Dr, Assoc. Prof, or Prof. in front of your names.

Wisdom is not the monopoly of those who wear those titles.

Intelligence is not by default owned by people wearing those titles.

it is not.

not.

no.