Dream big = Dream bitter?

go to wikiquote and search 'dream', at the top of the page you will find this "Dreams are but the illusion that we put upon ourselves to make life in an unbearable world liveable" We all dreamer, at least used to be one. isnt it convenient to think of something nice, something achieve-able, something comforting that will happen if we work hard enough to get it, if we run fast enough to catch it, if we're patient enough to wait for it. Isnt it nice? I mean, could it be anything more beautiful than a dream come true? something we wished to happen, something we long for? Dont you agree with me?So they say, beneath the dreams there's hope, and with the hope anything could happen. TRUE? false! at least for me, dreams and dreams and dreams, and while i am strangled in my dreams and the world spinning and voila, suddenly i see an almost dead end, the path that lead me there getting narrow everytime i looked up. sigh, i rolled to the end of the page and i found:"But only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'Twas always thus, and always thus will be."

how i wish.. how i wish..

an echo from my backyards

PENJAJAHAN IDEOLOGY

*Ideology can be defined as: A set of ideas, comprehensive vision, a way of looking at things, a common sense, or a set of ideas proposoed by the dominant class of a society to all members of this society. Every society has an ideology that forms the basis of "public opinion" or common sense. This dominan ideology appear as "neutral", holding to assumption that are largely unchallenged. Meanwhile, all other ideologies that different from the dominant ideology are seen as radical, no matter what the content of their actual vision may be. Ideology of a society will be determined according to what is in the rulling class best interest. (Modified from wikipedia)

Just think about that little paraghraph i took from an article in wikipedia. Absorb the meaning and put it into your daily practice, put yourself in larger picture as a member of a society and feel the strong force of the "dominant ideology" towards your daily live.

Do you feel stupified? silenced? utilized? or maybe even "colonized"?

These are the matter lots of people took for granted, the right to have an ideas and put it into practice. I would call the ruling goverment (at least for Malaysia and Indonesia) as colonizer, since for me, they were just using the skin, the casing of so-called local people with the only interest to hold the power, to hold the ability to utilize the "common people" for their own interest. If the era of colonization is over, then this is the new form of colonization, to force the idea, the ideology of a society into people's mind and force them to be "obidient" while tagged those who stand on different side as radical. I said different, not necessarily mean opposite side.
Penjajahan ideology could be done by any society through education, economic development, religion force, etc. Put it into simpler context, an example: as a biologist, i believe that the destruction of natural resources for the sake of immediate economic development is still destructive and not a right thing to do, therefore i am against the clearance of forest and turn it into palm plantation, or timber resources or aquaculture pond. As a politician, my father believe the way to "modernized" a society and "educate" the people is through "facilitate the economic development" which, in less complicated manner by creating an industrial area, like the palm plantation and explitation of timber resource which is still abundant in Indonesia. My disagreement with his ideas were seen as radical, as for him my belief sounds like 'a growth retardation on a retarded community' --ok, lets not call it retarded, call it much less developed-- and this is (for him) the other word for penjajahan ideology that happen to me while i was thought in class whom lecturer were west-educated. sigh.

Apakah saya membiarkan diri saya dijajah?

Maybe its just the matter of which society we live, this biologist and that politican live in different society that hold different ideology.

on the road to nowhere

"Go forth on your path, as it exists only through your walking." ~ Saint Augustin (354-430)

i am officially homeless now.

i had thousands question in mind, that is less important than the people selling watches and bags on petaling street but as haunting, it keep comin to me, you know.

So there's a story about a financially poor couple whose been waiting so long to have a boy, until one day the wife conceive and gave birth to a boy! the neighboors commenting how lucky they are to get such cute baby boy, it doesnt take long until the boy grow up and start to have a request, the boy wanted to have a horse! of course the parents cant afford to buy a horse, so the neighboors comment on what-a-bad-luck the situation is, until suddenly someone present the boy a horse, what a goodluck again, the neighboor said.. the boy wanted a horse and somebody give it to him.. not so long after, when the boy ride the horse he accidentally fall and break his left leg, he will be dependent on walking stick for the rest of his life, what a bad luck again comment the neighboors.. years passed, and before the people realize: the country is at war, all the men are required to join the army forces, but the boy managed to escaped the army forces because of the imperfetion of his body, due to the "horse accident" that happen years back.. and so the neighboor said.. what a lucky boy he is..

Now, the question is.. how we define luck? a certain occation on certain condition that is favorable? how do we define making sense? anything that felt convinient to you? how do we define.. failure? ok, this very question struck me.. i dont know, sometimes i feel like i fail myself to be a good daughter, i fail to be a good believer, i fail in many aspect of my live. But as the earth spin and we human discover, i bet there's still too many sides of live i have yet to see.. Sometimes, when we're on the edge of despair.. we fail to see the beautiful side of live..

And how you can tell about the part that matter most in live? to pursuit happiness? how do you define happiness again? a state of satisfaction when you achieve something? or a mere 'good kick' on your everyday live? its like the saying "people who know nothing didnt make mistake"-because they dont know, no one can blame them about it-

i grow up inside the circle of asian culture where the pride the dignity the name of the family is the thing that matter most, at one point in my life i choose my own path and refuse to walk the path people choose for me, maybe its too early, or maybe its way too early as this decision stir the murky-water-relationship between me and my parents, time clocking way too fast since i make up my mind about it, and of course, there's always price to pay, maybe when the lure of expensive cars and luxurious house fail to pull me, the need of safety fail to caged me, i would rather live on the street if that will allow me to have the power on myself..

reminding ourselves of Benjamin Franklin's words:
"Those who would give up essential liberty to puschase temporal safety deserves neither liberty nor safety"

NATIONALITY = YOU?, RELIGION = YOU?

This entry started with big question mark (?)

It start since i left Indonesia to Malaysia, when i arrived in Penang Airport at June 12, 2003, the first thing immigration officer ask me:" Indonesian? worker? " sighed, i pulled out the letter from USM, and things happen to work different in the immigration if you are a student.

Now lets fast forward to the time when i attend my english class. Apparently, an Indonesian student in school of biology (at that time) is not something common, and almost everybody curious if i was a moslem or a christian.. gigling, sometime i let them wonder on their own..

So this nationality and religion thing never become a big problem until recently; I was on the bus station with bunch of friends, laughing and smoking and so.. suddenly, this old guy (about 50 or 60 something) come up to us and point to me -right to my 'asian' nose- and say (in angry tone): MUSLIM? ARE YOU MUSLIM? WHERE IS YOUR ID? IF YOU ARE MUSLIM I WILL CALL THE POLICE!!
clueless, i thought.. maybe he's a crazy guy? whats wrong with him? the next second, one of my friend get up and point back to him (also in angry tone): YOU DONT TALK TO A LADY LIKE THAT, BECAREFUL WITH YOUR MOUTH OLD MAN
so it continues:
OLD MAN (OM): SHE'S MUSLIM, I WILL CALL POLICE
ME: (get defensife) hey i am not malaysian, and i have nothing to do with you
OM: YOU RUDE! I WILL CALL MY SON!!
a minute later he's on the phone with his son and he told the son that me and my friends nearly hit him, and say fuck to him and stuff. not so long after, 3 of his son come over and we nearly involved in a fight. geez.. i dont know how to describe the tense.. but that make me thinking.. are those people, who recognize themselves as moslem, really 'clean'? never smoke and so, the son never 'touch' their girl and so..sigh.. are they really thought they could get into other people bussiness that far? i mean, we're nearly land each other hand on each other face. sigh.

and about the nationality, its another different story.. i never regret to be born as Indonesian, but unfortunately, it closed many doors for me.. sigh..at least some doors can be opened, by force..

Advice of the day:
Blood is not equal to loyalty, help, and friendliness. think about it. it happen to me recently.

beauty or beyond?

I was a big fan of The Body Shop product, its expensive indeed.. but i know that my money goes to a good cause. I support their campaign about community trade, against animal testing, love yourself, stop abuse, etc. Until one day i realize something, body shop launch a new product; moisture white. Why i am so disturbed with the launch of this product?? because i disagree about the idea that we have to have fair skin to be beautiful! its disturbing to see the advertisement everywhere, whitening this, whitening that, from Diorsnow to Fair and Lovely -as if we have to be fair to be lovely. Its not the color, its the ideas that disturbing me. My question is; are we, asian women refuse to admit that we're beautiful with our very own brown skin? perhaps we need to redefine the concept of beauty again.

additional reading klik here
image taken from here

Submission

I as having a lot complicated brainstroming about this topics mixed with my own personal perception, story, and ideas. But when i try to pour it down in words and letter, it evaporate. gone.

I just wanted to share a video, directed by Theo Van Gogh (descendand of famous painter Vincent Van Gogh) who ended up murdered by Muhammad Bouyeri on the bright day light at Linnaeusstraat, in Amsterdam. The script for the movie were written by Ayaan Hirsi Ali, a somalian-born dutch-feminist, she went to Holland seek for asylum. Live path, intelegence, and perhaps luck has made her a member of parliament in Holland. Although in the end she choose to resign from the parliament, I still admire her for her courage and sharp mind.

Trial and Error

I am not good at photograph people. But i give it a try anyway!